AL Central, AL West, NL West

We need to get onto our regularly scheduled programming--continued coverage of the mock baseball draft for the ages--but first, breaking news:

Europe dissapeared overnight!

Far more important, however, is the recent revelation that Europe actually existed in the first place. What with their complete lack of religion (just ask Norway), sports (soccer doesn't count, so...) and basically anything of interest, Americans had for some time figured Europe was a figment of our imagination. Apparently this wasn't so. For something to dissapear it has to have been there in the first place, correct?

Alright, now back to our regularly scheduled schedule, my misanthropic harangues regarding all things everywhere.

What to tear to pieces first? The AL Central, of course.

Chicago White Sox: They have a good pitching staff, and they have a decent lineup (by decent I mean very good) and their bullpen isn't bad either. Remind me again how this team missed the playoffs last year? Oh, right. Their manager is a vile curmudgeon. He gets everyone so riled up that you can't possibly concentrate in that atmosphere. Outside of the fact that he has insulted so many ehtnic, cultural and racial groups that you can now just say he has insulted the entire planet, he doesn't appear to make up for it with any particularly good managing. He has to get his act together. Pointless vituperations against mankind are hypocritical, since he is a part of mankind. If I see someone who does nothing but insult, demean, and make fun of others all day long I would give him a stern talking to. Yes, this is why I avoid mirrors all day long. Anyway, the White Sox need something to cool down their hot under the collar manager, so they draft:

A Freezer. Stick him in there and don't let him out. (Ya know I never really had anything against Ozzie Guillen until thirty seconds ago, when I realizedthat the only reason they couldn't make the playoffs must have been their manager. If a manager's rebarbative ways are hurting his team, his rebarbative ways must go)

The Minnesota Twins: This team has an utterly fantastic bullpen, an utterly fantastic starting pitcher (the best in baseball, actually) and a lineup that while not extremely intimidating, can put runs on the board. The problem? Sidney Ponson is in their rotation. When Sidney Ponson is in your rotation, you have serious issues. The other problem is that Sidney Ponson is the most recognizable name on their pitching staff outside of Johan. Very big problem. The solution?:

Roy Oswalt. As I pointed out in my last article, the astros could never lose if they had more Roy Oswalts. Well, the Twins are even better than the Astros and they don't have a Roy Oswalt yet. Give them one, and they will never lose a playoff series again. Of course, the Twins DO have a guy as good as Roy Oswalt in Francisco Liriano (when he comes back, he will quite literally give the Twins the two best pitchers in the game), but he is out for the entire year with Tommy John surgery (what does Tommy John have against pitchers, anyway?)

Detroit Tigers: It is very clear what this team needs. Very, very clear. Pitchers Fielding Practice. With their pick they select:

Mike Mussina or Greg Maddux: Both of these guys have won multiple gold glove awards. If they had been on the mound in the World Series, we would not now be enduring the shame of an 83 win "World Series Champion".

Cleveland Indians: Steve Philips says this team has all the tools but lacks leadership. Usually, I can't stand Steve Philips. But this year, he picked the Yankees to win their division while everyone else (including the usually reliable Buster Olney, Jason Stark and you-know-who) has them out of the playoffs. Not only that but he has the Red Sox... IN THIRD PLACE. So Steve Philips is, for the next three weeks until he starts ragging on the Yankees again, my favorite baseball analyst (You let me down Peter, you let me down). Anyway, since he is obviously so correct in his division picks, he must be correct when he says the Indians need a leader. So let's get them one:

They draft Napolean. Nuff said.

Kansas City Royals: The Royals clearly don't need to draft anyone, because they already got their pick: Gil Meche. No, neither the salary figure nor the career ERA are typos. This is why the Royals are the Royals.

AL West:

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of the U.S.A.: This team has pretty superb starting pitching, pretty superb relief pitching, and a pretty superb hitter in Vladimir Guerrero (even if he has never gotten a BB in his life). How did they miss the playoffs again? Oh that's right. They are in the AL. the AL had eight teams last year (Yanks, Sox, Sox, Tigers, Jays, Twins, Angels, As) who were better than half of the NL teams that reached the playoffs by virute of not stinking as much as the other guys. The AL should sue the Tigers for screwing up what was one of the most dominant AL years in league history. Anyway, the Angels need another hitter. So we will draft for them:

Jo Dimaggio. Nothing very special about this one. They need a hitter, he was one of the best ever. Why are you giving me that look?

Texas Rangers: They need to draft something very simple:

A new ballpark. How can you win when the opposing team only needs to blow on the ball to knock it out of the park?

Oakland Athletics: Frankly, this team simply needs a higher payroll. The lack of money is overwhelming. Another way to state the previous sentence is "the money is underwhelming". Whichever way you look at it, they need to spend more money. You know, sorta like the Giants and Barry Zito. Didn't *that * turn out well... The Athletics select:

A better mascot. I mean, come on, a dopey guy with a baseball for a head? THAT, and not their diminuitive payroll, is why they never do much in October.

Seattle Mariners: Let's try a simple analogy here: feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon are to smelling bad, as ______ is to managing a team into the ground faster than a peregrine falcon that forgot to hit the breaks. If you said Seattle's General Manager (if you don't know his name, you aren't alone!), you are correct! So with their pick they select:

An assassin, to kill everyone in their front office, so that they can get someone with baseball smarts. I'm still reeling over the Adrian Beltre contract, and I am not even a Mariners fan. Richie Sexson didn't help either.

NL West:

NO ONE CARES!




Kramnik prevails despite being blind: Kramnik recently won the Melody Amber Chess Tournament, a an invitation-only combination of blind and speed chess which Kramnik has now won or co-won 6 times. Apparently, Beethovean could have competed in this tournament and felt right at home. Not that Beethovean ever played chess. Does this paragraph have a point besides my desire to include chess in every column? No, not really.

I'd write more but I must save my fingers for the article everyone cares about, the brobdingnagian (its a word, look it up) column where I let my rooting interests completely screw logic and reasoning, and I explain to you why Carl Pavano will shock the world, Dice-K should be a curse word, and the Yankees will defy common sense to win it all.

Oh, and that Roy Hallady guy is good.

until then,

The Sports Maunderer