Baseball Mock Draft

With baseball season upon us, it should be time for predictions. But instead of wasting your time with such nonsense (you know I would just put who I was rooting for anyway), I am going to take a page out of the NFL’s book and conduct a mock baseball draft. Not sure why no one has caught onto baseball’s draft yet. I mean who isn’t completely excited by a five thousand round marathon in which one is seeing their favorite team’s (distant) future? Uh, yeah…

To avoid such obvious problems, my draft will be short (one round) contain a player the team needs to compete RIGHT NOW, and the player will also be some baseball legend of past, player of present, or… yeah, past or present. No future going on here. We don’t want to wait like you do for "Psyche" and "Monk" to start their seasons (and this is a terribly unjustifiable excursus, but I must say I hardly even wait for Monk anymore. That situation has grown that dire. What a good show gone bad...). So regardless, here is part one in a three part series: my mock baseball draft.

NL East:

New York Mets: Well everyone knows that the Mets have plenty of hitting (in other words, their lineup doesn’t look quite as paltry as most in the NL), plenty of bullpen (in other words, they actually have a closer), but need a little help in their rotation (in other words, they have no one there). So who do they need to draft? You guessed it:

Pedro Martinez. And I am not referring to the one they already have. I’m referring to that Pedro. The Pedro who went by “Pedro”. The Pedro who had won the game before he even threw a pitch. The Pedro forever lost on a cold night in October when Jorge Posada smoked—err, poked—a double into center.

Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies appear to be the good at everything great at nothing team. They have some hitting, some pitching, some defense, but not a whole ton of much. (What do you expect, an AL team?) So what can you give a team lacking any type of star power in this all powerful draft?

Elvis Presley. You might think I am joking here, but in all seriousness, the thing they need is recognition. Their own fans barely know who their fourth starter is. If Elvis was around to sing about Rollins and Utley and Howard, people would get excited, and they would ride the King’s momentum into the postseason.

Atlanta Braves: The Braves are pretty much weak. Why? Because they lost their miracle worker. The Braves could have a staff consisting of Sandy Koufax, Whitey Ford, Roger Clemens and Randy Johnson and they would still stink at pitching without their long lost pitching coach. So clearly the Braves need to draft:

Leo Mazzone. This gives me a chance to ask the question: Why did Leo Mazzone leave the Braves for the Orioles? It wasn’t an upgrade (he is still the exact same position) and the Orioles have nothing pitching wise the Braves didn’t have (unless having “less talented” arms counts as something they have which the Braves don’t have) and they also have to face AL East lineups all day. Why the heck did he leave? If it was money, the Braves were simply stupid for letting him go in the first place.

Washington Nationals: Frankly, the Nationals don’t have much of anything. There is only one person in the history of everything who could save the Nationals. The Washington Nationals select:

God. Yeah I know, people don’t say the Almighty is a baseball “player”, they say He is a baseball “fan” (which is true). But surely in His younger days He threw a little and swung the bat a few times? Heck, He might have even fielded some ground balls. And the Nationals need more than all the help they can get.

Florida Marlins: Well as usual, the Marlins have tons of young talent and prospects but an average age of somewhere around seventeen. Clearly then, they need someone to balance this out so that they have some experience on their team. Who do they need?

Honus Wagner. Not because he was supposedly great or anything, but because he must be so old by now that he takes the average age of the Marlins right up there along with the most experienced teams in the league. And experience wins championships!

NL Central:

Saint Louis Cardinals: Goodness knows how this team won a World Series, but—hmm, it appears I received an email the other day from someone named “goodness”… wonder what they have to say. Ah, interesting. Goodness says: The Cardinals won the World Series because they are a bunch of lucky nobodies who rode terrific opposing pitching to a title. And by terrific opposing pitching I mean those fastballs the tigers threw over their first basemen’s head. Well, goodness knows. So who do the Cardinals need? Someone who isn’t as hateable as Tony la Russa, Albert “Poo holes” (how can you like a guy with that name?) and Jeff Weaver. They need someone everyone always likes! So who do they need to pick up?!

Barry Bonds! Oh sure, the media hates him, fans hate him, congress hates him, but San Francisco fans, proving once again that San Fran is the nuttiest place in the world, love him! And so they would suddenly root for the Cardinals. And no one else besides Cardinals fans could possibly stomach an 83 win team being proclaimed “champion”. (This was basically a .500 team, folks)

Chicago Cubs: Well they spent a lot of money to improve on their disastrous 2006 season. But they still can’t avoid that nagging injury bug. Has anyone ever checked to see what Mark Prior and Kerry Wood look like when they are healthy? Or have they never been healthy for long enough? By the way, has there ever been anything like this? These two guys will go down in history together; in much the same way LewisandClark has become one word, PriorandWood has become one word. Not because they have lightning stuff (which, supposedly, they do), but because they are always injured. They have become the freaking poster boys for the always injured players. In this mock draft, the Cubs take:

Doctor McCoy, affectionately known as “Bones” by Trekkies everywhere. He is the only guy around who could keep the Cubs title shot afloat, since we all know that sometime in June, that blasted goat will rear its head and the following will occur: Alfonso Soriano will go blind after staring in the mirror too long, Carlos Zambrano will blow his arm out after fist pumping too vigorously, Derek Lee will forget how to hit, and Lou Piniella will burst an artery somewhere after throwing too big of a tantrum. Only Bones could fix all of that.

Houston Astros: This is a team characterized by star players surrounded by nobodies. They had Roy Oswalt and “everybody else” in the rotation (minus the Roger Clemens traveling circus) and in their lineup, they had Lance Berkman and “everyone else”. They tried to address part of this problem by signing Carlos Lee to protect Berkman, but they lost their only other decent starter in Andy Petitte. So the Astros need:

Roy Oswalt. Another one. And then, after that, preferably another one. They could use as many Roy Oswalts as they can find. If their entire team (including their lineup) was made of Roy Oswalts, I don’t think they would ever lose. Unfortunately, they only have one.

Milwaukee Brewers: I’ll be honest: I know nothing about the Brewers. Until ten seconds ago, I did not even know how to spell “Milwaukee”. I think I might be able to name you one player on their team. Ben Sheets. That is it. I haven’t a clue about anything else. So how am I supposed to know who they are drafting? Well I am going to have to guess:

Babe Ruth. I mean, seriously, if you could draft anyone from the history of baseball (and that is the premise of this draft), *you* would draft Babe Ruth too!

Pittsburgh Pirates: (This section was blacked out due to the fact that for some absolutely insane reason, cable, radio and internet providers put West Virginia in the Pittsburghian region. The Sports Maunderer doesn’t get it either, but apparently if you want to read this section… well actually, The Sports Maunderer doesn’t get the point of a blackout either, and he is not sure what it accomplishes, but anyway, regardless, you can’t read this section)

Cincinnati Reds: They can hit, hit, and hit some more (effulgent praise of their hitting is a bit biased considering the park they play in, but nevertheless), but no one is sure if anyone on their team has ever thrown a baseball over a plate without someone sending it back the other way for a home run. With little rotation or bullpen to speak of, only one man can single-armedly save their team…

Cy Young. Now you might be saying, “of course Cy Young, you just keep picking the most famous players” but it wasn’t so obvious. After all, Cy Young might be a cancer in the club house due to the fact that he never won any Cy Young awards; he might be ticked that they lowered the mound. He might be bothered by the body armor players wear these days… There are many things that could go wrong. But 749 (complete games) speaks for itself, and the Reds need someone who will pitch every single game they ever play. His arm might fall off at season’s end, but if they drafted Cy Young and pitched him every inning of every game, they’d win the Series this year.


Florida Repeats!: *makes funny snoring sound*. This team was so much better than Ohio State it isn’t even funny. They can’t shoot in the Big Ten, apparently. How many wide open looks did OSU guards clang off the side of the rim or the backboard? Yeah, I can’t count that high either. Suffice it to say, it was a number that could give infinity a run for its money. When was the last time that one team so utterly dominated the paint (Oden practically took on Horford, Noah and Richards 3 on 1 and he beat the snot out of them anyway) and still got utterly destroyed? Florida has some terrific shooters, no doubt, but OSU couldn’t hit the back side of an elephant the way they were shooting. And it isn’t like they had no open looks.

Baseball begins!: Yanks triumph, Sox stink, Cardinals show everyone they were for real by getting thumped on Opening day by a ten thousand year old pitcher!

The Suns can beat The Mavs (and suddenly, no one else): Yeah, past that headline there isn't much to say.

Coming up next, the NL West and the AL West and the AL Central. Saving the best for last, of course.

I’ll either see you next time, or if you are smart and simply skip the next column and read the AL East one, I’ll see you two times from now,

The Sports Maunderer.