Part the Only Important

It is time for that hideous beast, the AL East. The waters here are particularly caliginous this year; and the first week of baseball did nothing to imrove visibility. All the questions were actually magnified. Can Boston hit enough? Will Dice-K be able to survive the second time through the league? Can the Yankees pitch...? at all...? anyone? Any of their pitchers capable of producing an out? Can the Blue Jays keep up with the massive payrolls of the Yanks and Sox? Can Leo Mazzone finally work his magic with the Orioles? Will the Devil Rays be a last place team again? Well. Okay, so we already know the answer to *that* one. Still, the intrigue in the only division that matters is now reaching critical mass. Let's start our mock baseball draft's final installment, with my AL East Preview.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: It is actually surprising that this team is as bad as it is. It has a top of the rotation type starter, and a lineup simply overflowing with athletic, speedy guys who can get on base and reek havoc. Sure they have little to no power and their bullpen sucks, but still, how can they be this bad every year? They need lots of things, but a power bat would really help. Not to mention some infamy. Yeah, lots of infamy. In fact, that might be their biggest problem. No one is ever afraid to play against the "Devil Rays". Besides the stupidity of the nickname, there is no history to fear, no team to fear, no nothing. They need a power bat and some infamy, and I can roll it all into one with their selection:

Mark McGwire! Not only do they get a guy who hit more homers than Mickey Mantle while racking up less total hits than Bernie Mac, but they get a guy who would instantly set their star in the sky flailing and screaming pain as it erupted in a more colorful, dazzling display of media scrutiny and public attention than it ever had before. No one else would fit the Devil Rays better.

Baltimore Orioles: Besides having two full words fewer in their name than the D Rays have (yet another problem the Devil Rays have... one of many), they also have two pitchers fewer than they need. And probably two hitters fewer also. And probably two relievers fewer as well. So what do they do in baseball's mock draft?

They trade their pick for several picks from the lower rounds!

Toronto Blue Jays: Here is the first of the "Big Three" in the AL East. Simply gaining entry into the "Big Three" is hard enough, since before it was the "Big Two", but the Blue Jays made themselves relevant by:
1) Spending money, so that they get into the big payroll bandwagon
2) Coming in second place last year, breaking the "Big Two"s strangelhold on the top (sort of)
3) Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, they picked up a former Marlins starting pitcher, who has loads of talent, a mediocre record and a World Series ring. A.J. Burnett, one of the former "Big Three" Marlins pitchers has still not lived up to expectations, but having him is all that counts (just ask Carl Pavano about those expectation things).

So what do the Bluy Jays need to put them over the top? THE LAST MARLINS PITCHER! Dontrelle Willis of course.

Boston Red Sox: The Red Sox are one of those "If everything goes right, we're unbeatable, if everything goes wrong, we're a regular Washington Nationals" teams. If Josh Beckett (Their Florida Marlin) pitches like an ace, Matzasuka never gives up a run, Curt Schilling acts like he isn't a hundred years old, J.D. Drew doesn't get injured, Papelbon duplicates his success, etc. etc. the Red Sox could be very very good. But as you are all wondering: what the heck are the chances of J.D. Drew staying healthy? Not very good. I really don't know what the Red Sox need, except maybe...

A Quantum physicist capable of changing the laws of probability. Let's face it, the number of things that need to go right for them to win defy all logical probability, but if they can get someone to fix this, they could go a long way. Finding a quantum physicist capable of changing the rules of probability won't be easy for the Red Sox though, because after all, unlike the Yankees, they don't have very much money. You see, the Red Sox are the "little guys" who only spend 160 million on their team instead of 190. Poor them.

New York Yankees: Ah the Yankees. Their lineup is impeccable, their bullpen has the Sandman and a lot of help, their pitching staff is beat up but at full strength should be good... Their problem? The manager. The manager who sticks the greatest player ever to play the game in the eight hole. The manager who lets his team fall asleep in the playoffs. The manager who gets antsy when his starter is throwing a perfect game because it will be difficult to justify taking him out in the sixth inning so he can continue his vendetta against relief pitchers by making them throw their arms out of their sockets. They don't need to draft anyone, they need to fire someone. And don't come in here with any of that nonsense about Torre winning four World Series. I could have managed those teams to World Series victories. Those teams were nigh unbeatable. There's a reason why they won 4 times in 5 years. They hit better and pitched better than anyone else, and it didn't matter that Torre did his best to screw them over. But since 2000, Torre has been managing his teams out of the playoffs, culminating in the horrendous, hideous, atrocious, unspeakably egregious gaffe he forced upon Yankee fans in last year's pathetic fall to the Tigers. So due to all this, the Yankees draft:

Whitey Ford. Regardless of their manager's ineptitude, they still need a starting pitcher. Whitey was not only the greatest Yankee starter ever, he was also a cheater. That fits into today's baseball game perfectly.

Well that's all I got today, people. The Sports Maunderer hopes you enjoy the rest of the baseball season.

What? You want predictions? Geez, people. That's asking a lot. But I'll give a lot.

NL East: The Mets shock everyone.

NL Central: The Cardinals shock no one (who else is gonna win?)

NL West: NO ONE CARES!

NL Wild Card: The Phillies. Or something like that.

AL East: The Yankees hold onto their crown.

AL Central: The Tigers hold onto theirs.

AL West: The Angels win, the A's don't hold onto theirs.

AL Wild Card: I hate having the Twins out of the playoffs, but I gotta go with the Indians.

World Series: Yankees over Mets

Bias? What bias.

--The Sports Maunderer