Apologies, Drafts, and Roy Hobbs

Before I get on with the regularly scheduled programming, I have to say that The Sports Maunderer seems to have gotten off track lately. Instead of writing in the fashion which this blog was initially created for—venting regarding ridiculous sports stories--I seem to be long winded and less frequent, also talking about “big and important” stories like championship games rather than the only stories that matter—like Yankee spring training and the Titans' Wednesday practice report. This will be rectified. Expect shorter articles, but probably expect them a little more often. And I will also drop the “I’m trying not to be biased” act. (If you hadn’t noticed my bipartisan restraint these last few columns, you aren’t the only one. Just imagine what it will be like now...)

The NFL draft is one of the most anticipated, most covered, most talked about events in sports. I don’t get it. I really don’t. I mean I can understand there being some intrigue with the top five picks, and the guys like Brady Quinn. But I mean... NFL draft specials where they project into the third round? Why don’t we simultaneously telecast a show on the various ways Mel Kiper has ever done his hair? Oh, because it would be entirely useless? That’s what I thought.

So why is football’s selection process so much more exciting than the NBA or MLB? Well, first of all, it isn’t, but the real question is why do people act like it is. I’m not sure, because I’m not really knowledgeable and erudite, I only pretend to be, but nevertheless I will disclose my thoughts upon the issue.

First, some explanation: The NFL draft is two days (!) and seven rounds long. 1st round picks are expected to be stars, 2nd and 3rd round picks are generally presumed to be starters, 4th and 5th round picks are supposed to be reliable back-ups, and 6th and 7th round picks are supposed to be on the practice squad. (This explains why Jeff George and Charles Rogers went in the first round, while Tom Brady and Marques Colston went in the 6th and 7th, respectively. If you haven’t heard of Jeff George or Charles Rogers, you aren’t the only one.)

In the NBA draft, there are two rounds. High 1st round picks are expected to be stars or at least starters, low 1st round picks are in that caliginous, starter-backup, gray area, and 2nd found picks are shots in the dark. (The NBA draft is surprisingly predictable. Everyone once in a while you get a Gilbert Arenas or a Michael Redd in the second round, but for the most part, the best players were high picks. This also explains why teams tank like nuts in the NBA—you are almost guaranteed a terrific player at the top spots. In the NFL, 1st round picks are pretty much 1st round picks)

In the MLB draft, there are a hundred thousand rounds, the teams are selecting guys who haven’t even committed to baseball necessarily, and the best prospects are usually still two or three years away from even being rookies. Hence the complete lack of interest in the Baseball draft. (Recently, Josh Hamilton, the #1 pick of the 1999 draft, who apparently was out of baseball for a while, is doing well in a comeback attempt with the Cincinnati Reds. Josh Beckett was #2 in that draft. As usual, you only know these things once they become famous; you didn’t know who Josh Beckett was when he was drafted second, and you knew Kevin Durant a year and a half before his second pick status, sure to come in a few months)

The real reason football’s selection process is so well known is incredibly simple, however. It isn’t the American obsession with football (although that certainly doesn’t hurt), or the appropriate length (two days? Next thing you know Quentin Tarantino is gonna rip you off by charging you twice for the same movie. Oh, wait I’m a few years behind the times...), or the fact that the prospective top ten picks show up in New York to sit there for five hours doing nothing (they get dressed up, sit there for five minutes until their name is called, and then what do they do? Yeah no one else knows either, but it can’t be very interesting. “You just made millions of dollars by doing nothing! Now you get to sit here while we tell you who the Browns picked in the 3rd round!”), or even Mel Kiper’s hair (although it is debatable whether that is hair or actually carbon fiber).
Nope, the reason the NFL draft blows all the other ones out of the water is that we get to see ESPN talking heads speak without stopping for literally hours, because nothing else is going on, and we almost enjoy trying to tell how much longer it will be until Mike Ditka kills Michael Irvin. (By the way, there are a ton of “Mike”s one ESPN... Golic, Greenberg, Ditka, Irvin and I’m sure plenty of others)
If the NBA wants people to care as much about their draft as we do about the NFL draft, they need to stick Jim Rome, Stephen A. Smith, and Don Imus into a room talking about the draft as the teams spend twenty minutes to decide who to pick (even though they have had months to decide, those twenty minutes are EXTREMELY important). Anyway, I can see it already:

Jim: The Grizzlies just selected Greg Oden. INNNNNNNNN-cred-i-ble.

Stephen: He is the absolute most powerful center prospect we have seen in yeaus (years). Don’t you going telling me they shouldn’t draft him and they should draft Kevin Duran,t cuz I know that was what you were thinking! (imagine this and all of Stephen’s dialogue at a decibel level of approximately thirty-seven times that of everyone else)

Don: I’ll tell you, man. That is one big dude.

Stephen: Big? BIG?! All you can say is BIG?

Jim: I gotta agree with my homes, here, he isn’t just *big*, he is GARRRRRR-gan-tu-an.

Don: Looks like he’s got an AARP card, too. Big fella, he is.

Stephen: The Celtics drafted Kevin Durant!! NO NO NO!!! We don’t want him languishing in that pathetic playa killing purgatory! Somebody kill Danny Ainge!

Jim: Look, Kevin’s gonna get you the treys and maybe a few duces, but he isn’t gonna be banging with the big boys down low or trading paint with NBA forwards without getting popped.

Don: That is one skinny dude.

Stephen: The Timberwolves got lucky and get the third pick and yet they take Joakim Noah?!?! Are you kidding me! You can stick the nail in that coffin, folks!

Jim: I agree, Stephen, RIIIIIIIIII-dic-u-lous.

Don: That is one hairy dude.

Stuart Scott enters out of nowhere.

Stuart: Did I hear what I think I just heard? Alright, that’s it buddy, you just brought race into the discussion, you bigoted racist, you’re fired, you racist.

(Stephen A. Smith begins to implode)

Jim: This is OUUUUUUUT-rag-eous.

Don: Now hold on, I didn’t call him anything nearly as bad as what I used to call people. You shoulda heard what I said about the Rutgers Women’s basketball team!

Stuart: Race is a part of sports, and until we acknowledge the racial element, the racial element will always remain the racial element.

Don: Uh wha?

Stephen: The Hawks drafted Brady Quinn! They forgot what draft they are in!

Jim: Don, that was UNNNNNNNNN-eth-i-cal.

*Stephen A. Smith re-enacts a Spinal Tap drummer*



Until next time, loyal readers. I’ll be enjoying A-Rod as he gives us all his best Roy Hobbs impersonation. (I've completely jinxed him now.)

The Sports Maunderer