This Article has a Point. Somewhere....

While watching more and more and more and more teams fall apart due to terrible coaching recently, an odd question arises.

Why aren’t the players allowed to disapprove of their teams being out-coached?

Jeremy Shockey told the media that his team was “outplayed and out-coached”, and the media exploded like something left in the microwave for too long. Tiki Barber alluded to the fact that the Giants might have been out-coached last year during the playoffs, and analysts began equating his character with feet wrapped in leathery burnt bacon.

The examples of players griping about coaching could be multiplied, but the point is that when a player complains of poor coaching, commentators jump on him, deride him, call him names, question his character, demand he apologize, and usually want him to cure cancer while he is at it.

My question is:
Why?

Why is a player not allowed to question his coach? The reason this strange unspoken rule about never complaining about the coach is so odd is that the coach incessantly complains about the players. Let’s run through a couple coach’s lines here.

“We just didn’t execute.”
This term “execute” means “perform”, “achieve”, “accomplish”, etc. The coach who uses this line is saying “we had the plays, they just didn’t do them right”. In other words, he is shifting all of the blame onto the players! Why is a coach allowed to shift every parcel of blame onto the players, but the player is not even allowed to say something along the lines of “we stunk on the field, our plans stunk, everything stunk”? The answer: such would be sacrilege against the unwritten rule of never questioning a coach.

“We got outplayed. We got our butts kicked”. In other words, my players failed me. These (or similar) are both common lines. Coaches spout them off all the time. They are not even questioned. Usually, analysts and commentators will even talk of the coach’s integrity, because he “wasn’t making excuses”.

HELLO?! Sure he was! Coaches rarely come out and blame themselves. They always say they were outplayed.

Yet, the player is not allowed to mention this.

Now many of you out there are crying “Bull! The players are the ones playing, it is they who have to remain accountable”. Sure, plenty of the time, the players stink it up.

But if nothing is ever a coach’s fault, then no credit belongs to the coaches either. They either do nothing, or they make mistakes. In football, they have an inordinate amount of responsibility. They can win games through their tactics, and easily lose them through blunders. In the game of basketball, coaches are instrumental in not only strategizing, but often in developing players, i.e. sometimes they aren’t getting enough out of the player. In baseball, managers certainly have less influence than football, but as seen in recent years by true Yankee fans everywhere, a manager can certainly lose you a series.

Or two.

Or three.

*dies*

*wakes up*

So, coaches are accountable. Yet players can’t complain.
This is an absurd double standard held by the media at large. I am all for teams keeping complaints within the locker room, and taking accountability as a team, but the coaches are part of that team, and if they are allowed to rag on their players—as they often do—then no one should be crucifying the players for puling about coaching.

A player should be able to say that the team got outplayed and out-coached. Or, if that is not acceptable, than coaches need to shut up, also. I prefer the latter, but since the Bill Parcells of the world will never stop criticizing their players, players should not get the flack they do when they whine about coaching. Sure, they could take the high road and we would all love it. But the coaches deserve the same criticism for tearing their players down that those very players countenance for questioning their coaches.

Ironically, the players are usually right when they lash out at coaches. Let’s face it: they would not whine unless they really felt hampered by an ineffective scheme, so... they were probably hampered by an ineffective scheme. Jeremy Shockey was completely correct when he complained of being out-coached. The Giants were out-schemed, out-thought, and, also, outplayed. He admitted that. He still got torn to pieces by the media.

How come no one tears a coach apart when he says “we just didn’t execute”?

How Dare You Make a Prudent Throw!: Bill Simmons, an author who I obviously have great respect for, just took a massive hit in the credibility department the other day. He complained about Eli Manning’s passes to Plaxico Burress, saying they were all too high, forcing Plaxico to stretch to reach them.

LOL.

So because a QB hits a receiver where only the receiver can catch it, the throw is awful. This is a lot like those passes Jake Delhomme throws, where he makes Steve Smith run half the field to catch the ball. How dare he make Smith utilize his speed? Brilliant, Bill, brilliant. Then again, this is the same Bill Simmons who attempted to explain Seattle’s offense by saying that “four receiver, one back sets” are “unstoppable”

...in Madden. The video game. Yep.

Yes I Know: I promised a Yankee articles regarding five easy ways to fix their team, but they are all so obvious I am debating whether to even write it. What is the point? Smart people already know, and stupid people won’t listen. Although... I suppose one could make that same argument about... everything.

The Other Day: I was looking through my mail the other day, where I saw that the NFL had sent me a notice to inform me that I had been flagged for roughing the passer. Now this was somewhat odd seeing as I don’t play football, much less play football in the NFL. Still, since their touchiness regarding QBs has reached new levels of paranoia, I supposed it is not entirely unexpected. Just as many new mothers have been having nightmares involving Tom Cruise, I assume that the NFL’s mental depravity regarding QBs is widespread in its effects. Yet, when they claim to penalize me fifteen minutes of game watching time, I think they have gone too far.

Is There Any Use for Soccer?: I have now invented one. We need to play soccer with footballs. Seriously. It will only last ten minutes (sort of like the World Cup’s interest level in America), but would you not love to see a bunch of sweaty guys running around trying to predict where the funny-bouncing pigskin will end up? To heck with scoring, defense, and everything else. Just watching those flopping, hand-eye coordination-less guys try to understand the physics of a ball that isn’t round would be worth it.

I Have Neglected My Duties: I do not understand how I let this happen, but it has been weeks since Kramnik’s defeat of Topolav in the "Unified World Chess Championship", and I have not yet let you, the reader, know about it. I sincerely apologize for this gross oversight, and pray that I will be forgiven, and that my column will continue to be read. My God, if ESPN had failed to cover something like this... *shudders*

Well I guess I’m just not at their level yet.

Daunte oh Daunte: It is currently illegal to mention the Vikings’ success this season without first stating that Brad Childress “is doing a great job”. Clearly, the Vikings stunk last year, made no significant personnel changes this year, got a new coach, and are now good, hence the coach is the reason.

Look, I am no Mike Tice fan. He stunk. Someone has to be pretty bad to waste Randy Moss the way he did... and Art Shell is doing. But regardless, the Vikings did not turn around solely due to Brad Childress. Granted, he has contributed; if Mike Tice were still the coach, the Vikings would still stink. Nevertheless, the Vikings actually turned around last year. I am betting you all remember when.

Yep. When Daunte Culpepper went down. Please. Someone explain to me why anyone thinks he is good.

Sometimes I Am SO Right, like, Totally: I have been declaring Ben Roethlisberger’s mediocrity and the Steeler’s mediocrity for some time. Now that they lost to the Raiders in horrible fashion, can everyone just admit I am right? I also predicted the Titans were only softening up the league with their 0-5 start. After two straight wins, they—and my predictions—are looking good. Okay, so I do not think they are going to make the playoffs. Still, putting Vince Young in has given them new life. Since he took over, they are 2-2, with a close, close loss to Indy the only thing keeping them from 3-1 in that span. Not bad for a rookie QB.

Someone Cares, I suppose: The World Series was lacking in a winner for the second time in at least fifty years, with the strike year possessing the only other occurrence. Yep, that is correct; no one won the World Series in 2006. The Tigers did an absolutely terrific job of losing it, though. As for that joke of a team, the Cardinals, they have to be the worst World Series “winner” since... huh. I can’t really think of a worse team.

You Call That a Sport?!

In honor of... well, nothing, I have decided that the content of this article will consist of the oddities and strange quirks regarding the various sports that seems to question their sport hood all together. I do this because the NFL had no good matchups to write about (Dallas/New York, Cincy/Carolina, Philly/Tampa Bay notwithstanding... okay so I'm a bit sick of football, that's all), the MLB has no good matchups to write about (no, the World Series really doesn’t count), the NBA has not started its season yet, and no one ever cared about hockey. So what else is there to do but make fun of things.

Football: How can football dare to pretend at sportingness when the quarterbacks are not allowed to be touched. Just imagine if the *other* sports didn’t allow the person with the ball to be touched. No one could ever take a charge when Dwayne Wade drives the basket because—ummm, okay, so the NBA sort of has this rule also. But come on, in football, the whole point is tackling the other guy. The fact that QBs are treated as delicately as ticking time bombs strapped to baby carriages holding quintuplets throws mud in the face of the NFL’s “sportiness”.

Besides, football players are all wimps anyway. They are always complaining about “time of possession”, and getting tired, and “wearing the defense out”. Well excuse me, but if the best athletes the NFL has to offer can’t go hard for ten minutes over the course of a game (everyone knows the actual playing time in an NFL game is somewhere around seventeen minutes) then what the heck is this league doing pretending to be a sport? Shame on you, pro football.

Baseball: Well it might seem like I am picking on baseball a bit here, but there are just so many reasons baseball clings to sporthood by the skin of its teeth. I love baseball, but it doesn’t require athleticism, endurance, or, most of the time, attention. (The best players usually possess such qualities, but the fact remains that the game does not require such qualities to compete)
1) Think about what an outfielder does. 99% of the time he is out there, he is doing absolutely nothing. Until "standing there" becomes an "athletic" activity, this is pretty hard to defend.
2) Or, how does it call itself a sport while allowing a guy to sit on his butt the entire time, only taking a few swings every three innings? I mean... I don’t hate the DH, but it does detract from the “sport” aspect of baseball.
3) Most damning are those stupid in-game interviews. How can it be a sport if the freaking managers are babbling with bird-brained commentators the entire time?
4) Last but not least, how can anything which David Wells is able to excel in call itself a sport?

Basketball: How can any league which allows embarrassing conspiratorial debacles like last year’s finals call itself a sport. The Mavericks were better, played better, showed everyone just how much better they were, and yet the Heat won because the league wanted them to win. They had no teamwork, no chemistry,and nothing involving the coordination of fifteen people into a team. They had Dwayne Wade, though. And when a team has a guy shooting a thousand free throws a game... how can you lose? *I* could outscore the Mavericks if I got as many free throws as Dwayne Wade did. Seriously. There were several “fouls” called when he drove the lane despite the fact that the replays showed no one ever touched him. The league went the way of the Heat because the Heat has stars, and the Mavericks do not.
How can it call itself a sport when a team willing to work together not only has to deal with the opposing team, but also with the morons in gray shirts calling stupid fouls for the league’s stars, simply because they are stars? Shame shame shame.

Hockey: Now here is a freaking sport! The guys have to skate and handle a puck at the same time? They beat each other up, get thrown in penalty boxes—
Well shoot. Nobody watches hockey anyway? How could that be. Surely it couldn’t be because they never score and even when they do you can’t tell because the puck is practically invisible. Oh, that is the problem? Hmm. I suppose they could change the color of the puck or something. That didn’t work? Well, how about this. They get rid of the ice, the goals, the goalies, the pads, the sticks, the puck, but keep the gloves.
Then, you would have boxing. And of course, boxing is only a slightly less violent version of gladiators fighting in coliseums.
Just proves that the Romans really did invent everything worth doing.

*Massive Disclaimer: I tend to insult things I like and not those I dislike. Before anyone gets any heinous notions in their head, I will dispel them: I am not a hockey fan, have never been a hockey fan, and until they invent a camera that attaches to the puck, will never be a hockey fan.

Potential: I once wrote a paper on how frustrating it is to see massive potential wasted. The Falcons are running clinic on how to do just that. Can you imagine Michael Jordan playing basketball as a center? How about Babe Ruth as a pinch-runner? Can you see Lance Armstrong as a sprinter? Michael Vick is being wasted.

The guy throws a beautiful ball. I mean, not just any kind of beautiful, but over-bearing beautiful. "The most beautiful I have ever seen in my life" beautiful. Not only that, but it is effortless. The guy just flicks his wrist and the ball streaks fifty yards on a near flat trajectory. Sure, he doesn’t have the most touch on the ball, but who cares. He can throw any dang pass you want him to, but he is stuck in one of those “west coast” offenses, otherwise known as “offenses for QBs who can’t throw”.

Michael Vick can freaking throw, and he is being wasted. No QB in the league is more suited to throwing deep balls than him. He can buy all the time in the world with his legs, and the ball will be 60 yards down the field in .3 seconds. Now, granted, they have terrible receivers, but geez, you need to at least try this. Let him throw. He can.

And get him a freaking receiver. Trade for Randy Moss. You will never, ever, ever lose a game if you have Randy Moss, Michael Vick, and a good coach on the same team. Oh the potential. Oh the waste. I understand Randy Moss might not be feasible due to pesky financial reasons, but... get somebody. The most outlandishly good QB of all time is floundering in a bad system, with bad receivers, and we don’t get to see the most potent dual threat of all time. You know why play-action works? Because for a split second, the linebackers and defensive backs think there might be a run. With Vick, there can always be a run. Just imagine that potential juxtaposed with some deep throws.

Oh the frustration. And I don’t even care about the Falcons. It is simply greatness being pooped upon. Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition. No, I do not care. Vick’ potential has scrambled my brains.

Another major disclaimer: This is not an overreaction to a single game. I have said this for the last five years. Or however long Vick has played... My brain is still scrambled from trying to calculate the number of undefeated seasons a team with Vick, Moss, and Bill Belichick would have.

Another Disclaimer: I don't think they should try the whole "pocket passer" thing, either. I think he should still run. That is the point. How can anyone defend a team where the guy with the ball is Deion Sanders, Gale Sayers and Brett Favre all rolled into one? At the moment, the Falcons are only utilizing about 35% of Vick's capability.


What a Lull: No NBA yet. MLB is over. No Tennis. Heck, no soccer or golf to mock. All we have is football, and I keep talking about football.

Or at least, I will, until next edition, where I fix the Yankees in five simple steps. In the meantime:

So *this* is why the Yankees lost...: Two words: Kenny Rogers. Yes, I know I said baseball is over, and it practically is. But even the most boring and anticlimactic series since... ever... deserves mention when Kenny Rogers, the bona fide worst starter in postseason history, stands on the verge of a postseason record for scoreless innings pitched. Yet in reality, this simply proves to us once again how gullible sports fans are. No one even hinted at the idea that he might, I don’t know, have been doing something shady. After all, this is totally reasonable pitching from him, given his past postseason performances. And he obviously would never cheat, right? I mean, he has never been accused of it before, and no one ever complained about his general attitude, right? I mean even the camera-men exhort his great manners.

Obviously, had he not been cheating (not that I'm saying he was...), the Yankees would have won game 3. Eh. I don’t know. Torre still would have found a way to blow it.

Oh So Odd: College Football on Saturday re-opened the oddest question in sports. A team got down 38-3, and then won. I watched the first and last drive of Notre Dame’s offense. That was all I needed to see, because apparently, in between, they were not able to simply walk down the field at will. And the reasons for this are... ostensibly the same reasons James Blake can win one set 6-0 and lose the next 0-6. Then again, it is college football. People have drop kicked field goals of off fair catches in college. This isn’t *that* weird...

Doomed to talk about NFL: Eli was awesome, 62 yarders are sweet, was there a more boring close and relevant game in history than Carolina/Cincy, the Raiders are better than the Cardinals which means the Cardinals are really bad but we already knew that, you laughed when I had Jacksonville so low on my Power Rankings but who is laughing now (the Texans, to answer my own questions), the Chargers don’t seem so good anymore, the Colts seem the same as always, the Redskins still stink, and Heroes is not as good as Sunday Night Football, great job screwing up my Sunday night, NBC.

Relax, Guys (You Live on Another World, Known as the West Coast)

There has been a lot of ho-humming and complaining (and a *ton* of guffawing) regarding the Cardinals lately. This is understandable, considering they are 1-5 after the experts almost unanimously picked them to sneak into the playoffs. But after the Cardinals’ epic collapse on Monday Night Football, folks began discussing their epic failure as a franchise, in general. Everyone started talking about the Cardinals in those “they’ll never win” tones. They made the Cardinals sound like Germans in world wars, or the French in any war. They also acted as if this is always the way it has been. Well I am no “expert”—i.e. I’m not paid to be wrong—but it seems like people forgot about this for a long time. Why?

NO MORE BUNGLES! The United States of America dearly misses its Cincinnati Bengals. Yes, they are still around, and yes, they are actually a decent team now, but that is the problem! Everyone enjoyed laughing at the Bengals’ expense. Calling them all types of cheesy names, attempting to describe just how bad they were, and other such national pastimes were highly enjoyable. We used the Bengals like a bully uses a playground nerd. We picked them up, twisted them, threw them in trash cans, stole their money, punched them in the face, and dared them to ever stand up to us. For fourteen years they did not. Now that this fan-team bullying is no longer a possibility... what to do? Well, find a new playground nerd, of course! It will be tough. The Bengals went fourteen seasons without a single job done better than .500. Look at these win “totals” (if they can even be called that).
The Bengals, starting in 1991, continuing up to the Marvin Lewis era, won 3, 5, 3, 3, 7, 8, 7, 3, 4, 4, 6 and 2 games. That is bad. Horrible. Putrid. Intolerably despicable. Think about a team winning an average of 4.5 games every year for twelve years! We just ignored the Cardinals because we did not need another whipping-boy type team. Now that Marvin Lewis has brought the Bengals to respectability, the Cardinals are ripe for the picking. The Bengals pale in comparison to Cardinal-like putrescence. While looking at their past records, I have to wonder, is there anything better than playing on the West coast?

I ask this because it is no secret that Eastern teams get all the press, all the attention, and all the viewers (no I *don’t* feel like staying up until 1 in the morning to watch the Diamondbacks play the Giants!) But then, isn’t this an advantage? For one thing, the winning teams get to play with the whole “nobody respects us” chip on their shoulder, which usually translates to wins in the playoffs regardless of records (why do you think so many wild card teams win? Because they are good? Please do not tell me you are that naïve. They just have the motivation). Even better, the losing teams are almost entirely ignored. Now a team like the Raiders can’t escape this, because even though they are a western team, they are extremely high profile.

But for a team like Arizona, holy freaking crap! It is a darn good thing no one pays attention to them. If anyone had, the Bengals would have been ignored as the penultimate team in the league, instead of the ultimate (for those wondering why I am using superlative adjectives to describe these perennial losers, I’m not. Those words don’t mean what you think they do).

For years, the Bengals were harassed as being the most hopeless team in the league. But just look at the Cardinals! Starting in 1920, when they were playing in Chicago (the Cards have moved around a bit...) they have had five seasons of ten wins or more.

Five!

That means that it has taken the Cardinals 85 years to accomplish what the Colts have done in the last 6. There is bad, and then there are the Cardinals. And even though everyone knows this intuitively, their west coast address has them escaping their full share of insulting. I mean, they don’t have any nicknames like “Bungles”. How does a franchise which has a history of sheer ineptitude like the Cardinals escape that? I mean, thank goodness for the years of 74, 75, and 76. Without those, this team would have last won ten games in a season pre-“Sputnik”. How does one even begin to describe a franchise as bad as the Cardinals?

I’m not sure. I am really good at pejorative ranting, but even this team eludes my imagination. I mean, no mere synonym for “bad” would do this team justice. Maybe we should write a formal apology as a nation to the Bengals, for ever complaining about them while the Cardinals exist. Heck, even the Chicago Cubs are better than the Cardinals. The Cubs haven’t gotten less than ten wins ever! Even in strike years! So those Chicago fans need to stop whining. As usual, I am digressing.

In much the same way that all things unbeatable can now be described as “federerish”, I’d like to simply say that all things incapable of victory could be described as “cardinalish”, but unfortunately St. Louis has a team named the Cardinals poised to play(though also get swept) in the World Series. What to do? This conundrum is baffling. “Arizonish” won’t work because a) it would offend Arizonians, and b) a team from Arizona won the World Series (albeit on a fluky, 1 in a 1000000 hit) five years ago.

Then again, no one else could ever *possibly* be as bad as the Cardinals have historically been, so if you referred to someone else as “cardinalish” it would be like calling George Bush Hitler.

Maybe we should just leave the made up adjectives alone for now.

Yet there is still hope, Cardinal fans (do you really exist? Leave me a comment to prove it...). The Bengals reversed almost 15 years of awful football with one draft pick. Matt Leinart may save you yet. And if not, go find a 6’5”, 230 lb—

Oh you know the rest.



And We Haven’t Even Gotten To: Dennis Green! Wow! What a rant! For those who have not seen it yet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBOCE3eue3Y&mode=related&search=

Does anyone have a clue what he was talking about? I don’t! And I am an accomplished ranter. Hmm. That does not appear to be a word. It has one of those awful red squiggly lines under it. Oh well. Back to my main point: what was he trying to say? Anyone can tell the hopelessness of his current situation is overwhelming enough to drive a man insane, and it seems this is the only explanation. He was appealing to a pre-season game? Umm... okay. The Bears are what he thought they were? Since he never clarified, we just have to assume he meant “better than us”. “Crown their (butts)”?

Who crowns a person’s butt?

What Does This Say About...: This type of collapse is like Rome coming down. It had to happen eventually (Arizona isn’t allowed to beat Chicago. It is illegal), but when it does, it is still shocking. It also leaves us with one of those wonderful debates: “Do the Bears look better or worse?” This discussion inevitably comes up after a great team looks awful but manages to win. There are two camps: one says that the obviously poor play is indicative of team weakness. The other says that winning a close game when you aren’t playing well is the mark of a championship team.

Well, I don’t know how many times we could possibly debate that, but when Rex Grossman looks that bad against the Cardinals... well something is weird. Also, many analysts have been exhorting the dominance of the Bears defense, taking over the game in the second half. Well, they did let their team go down 23-3 in the first half. Now I understand that at least a couple of those scores were the fault of Grossman, for handing the Cardinals the ball in or near the red zone. But did anyone watch the first drive of the game? Matt Leinart, a rookie QB, sliced through the Bears defense like it was butter on a hot day, and he did this while missing one of his big wide receivers. You don’t think every offensive coordinator in the league is going to do the same? I can imagine Bill Belichick salivating right now. He has Tom Brady to use against the Bears. And while Tom Brady is still one of the most overrated QBs in history, he is also really really really good. He is particularly good at efficiently marching down the field with spread formations and short passes, which is exactly what Leinart did.

I’m not saying the Bears defense won’t adjust—only that it had better adjust. Games like this can go either way. The Bears discover their weaknesses yet pull out a win and fix them for next game... Or the defense is irreparably damaged. Most likely it will be the former.

But it was the Cardinals...

FOX Pregame Failure: The FOX NFL pre-game show is having ratings problems.

I WONDER WHY!

When will FOX learn that nobody likes Joe Buck? We all think he is the Oakland Raiders of commentary. He is awful. Why do they not only keep him on, but stick his ugly mug wherever they can? The guy is funny on his commercials, and I think he is a decent man... but even his commercials give him away as a fraud. No one would ever want to touch his vocal chords! People can’t stand him. No wonder your freaking ratings are down, FOX. (And no, bringing Jillian back won’t save you)

Speaking of Which: FOX did not bring Jillian Barberie back for their pre-game “weather report” this year. In essence, they said “we don’t want you, go away, your fake weather reports where all you did was show off your mid section are no longer required”. And now they are bringing her back... and she is just okay with it? Is she that desperate? What does she say to all the people who, you know, fired her? “Hey guys, I’m just glad to get this opportunity which is only coming my way because your ratings stink and you are going to appeal to immature male hormones everywhere”?

This is like the awkward conversations where a guy asks an engaged woman to marry him—in front of her family and fiancé. It only happens in movies, because after all, it is just stupid, right? No one would put up with that crap, right? Well apparently, they would. Jillian’s “weather reports” are back...

So Strange: The Atlanta Falcons let Tiki Barber run through them, around them, over them, under them, and everywhere else he wanted to run on Sunday. This is interesting, considering the Falcons were ranked 2nd in the NFL in rush defense. It once again poses the oddest question in sports. How does stuff like this happen? What I mean is this. How does Roger Federer win a set 6-0, and then lose the next set 6-7? How do the Giants get down 24-7, and then come back to win? How does a team destroy the Seahawks one week, and almost lose to the Cardinals two weeks later? How does a pitcher throw 3 no-hit innings, get beat up for five in the 4th inning, and then pitch three more no-hit innings? I understand that the sheer randomness of sports necessitates some fluctuation, but I am awed by the fact that these types of things happen. I suppose I can even understand the Bears, because from week to week, strange things happen. But on the same day? How does a pitcher or a tennis player go up and down so much on a single day? It is crazy. I suppose we are so used to it that it is simply intuitive. That doesn’t mean it makes any sense.

Favorite Quotes of the Week: Tim McCarver, commentating the seventh game of the NLCS last night, had this to say, in the eighth inning, after it had been raining almost the entire game.

"Keep in mind, it has been raining. This might make the infield very wet on ground balls."

Yes. Joe Buck and this clown are the top commentating crew FOX has for baseball. Bill O'Reilly would be more intriguing than this.

My other favorite quote of the week is by Liam Neeson, and it does not regard sports in any way. But it is so fantastic I must share it. Apparently, a while back he referred to the people of Los Angeles, San Diego, or California (I can't remember which one specifically, but it is all the same anyway), like this:

"They are a fascist people, who think they are moral because they jog."

Oh funny times.

Titans Just Softening the League Up

Being the adamant Titans fan that I am, I promised myself I would write at least one article on the Titans this year. Since nothing but awful football, rookie QBs and assaults with cleats have occurred so far, I have had little positive to write about. Who cares. I can always make something up!

The Titans finally got in the victory column Sunday, defeating Washington 25-22. Now besides convincingly showing just how much parity there is in the NFL (the Redskins lost to the Titans, who lost to the Jets, who lost to the Jaguars, who lost to the Redskins), this victory has the Titans right where they want to be. Just ask them.

Coach Jeff Fisher said: “We said at the beginning of the year, that teams who win the Super Bowl, number one, get hot late, and number two, often have records of 11-5 or 12-4. I mean, the Steelers last year stunk, and they won because they got hot late—I believe they won their last four games of the regular season—and they had a record of 11-5. The Patriots in ’02 were no good either, but they won because they finished the season winning four games in a row, and were 11-5. The Ravens in ’01 were 6-4 and hadn’t scored an offensive TD in weeks, but they didn’t lose again. So really, we are right where we want to be. I told the team early on in the season that we needed to lose early so that we could build a big winning streak, and enter the playoffs at about 11-5. Why else would I have started Kerry Collins at QB for the first four weeks? I needed to make sure we lost. Now we are 1-5 and can get on a big winning streak all the way to the Super Bowl.”

The Titan’s rookie QB, Vince Young, agreed. “Coach Fisher was very persuasive in his arguments that being good early is overrated. At first I was skeptical but now I agree. I mean, look at the Dolphins. Sports Illustrated picked them to get to the Super Bowl, and they are 1-5. If we are as good as the team that’s supposed to get to the Super Bowl, we must be good.” Young added, “New Orleans was never picked to win the Super Bowl. I mean, really. No one has them getting to the big game, and they are 5-1. It just shows how records are overrated.”

Young’s sentiments were echoed by other young players, such as running back LenDale White. Said White: “You have to put things in perspective. The early season means very little. This isn’t like college where we had to go undefeated to reach the championship. Here, you are better off sluffing off the early part of the season. That way, you can play with the whole ‘nobody respects us’ chip on your shoulder the rest of the way.”

Certain wily veterans were not so sure, however. Wide receiver David Givens, a free agent from New England signed this past off season, smells something fishy.
“I’m a football player, so I don’t have the greatest memory, but when I won Super Bowl in New England... I don’t know, it seems crazy but I remember us winning a lot. I think we had like, twenty something victories in a row or something. I mean, I understand Coach’s point, sort of. I just think we won a lot more when I was with the pats."

When asked to comment on Givens’ remarks, Jeff Fisher had this to say:
“David Givens is a great athlete, but come on, he is a football player. These guys aren’t very smart. They just need to trust the coaching staff, because we clearly know better than the guys who actually play the game. Our plan is proceeding perfectly. Albert Haynesworth knows what I am talking about. He went to great personal sacrifice to implement our plan.”

Fisher is of course referring to the incident where Haynesworth twice raked his cleats across the un-helmeted face of Dallas center Andre Gurode. Though it seemed a vicious and despicable act of aggression against a helpless victim, it was actually a move of great honor, with the goal of putting the team first. Haynesworth explains:

“Everyone knows I am one of only two good defensive players on this team. And Keith Bullock certainly won’t risk his career for the team. I was worried we were playing a bit too well for Coach’s plan, so I knew I had to get myself suspended for a long period of time. The only way I could think of doing it was ripping a guys head to shreds. I had to, ya know. Man, Keith wasn’t going to get himself suspended for the good of the team.”

“That is the kind of commitment we wish every player on this team had,” Jeff Fisher remarked. “Sure, Albert could have found a lot of better ways to remove himself from games than by trying to kill another player, but we didn’t hire him for his brains. He is dumb as a tree and big as one too, which is the important part.”

Warning to all contenders: the Titans were losing on purpose. Now that they are trying to win, you have some serious problems on hand.


Why Not: Since everyone else seems to have an opinion on Briscoe High, Nike’s new advertising campaign, I will throw mine out there. Others’ opinions have ranged from strange to disgusted to just annoyed. I do agree that an advertising campaign with the slogan “Football is everything” while showing sports icons ignoring school is not a very wholesome message. But beyond that, what the heck is the point of these stupid commercials? They don’t make me want to play football (only stupid kids who lack knowledge of Napolean invading Russia play football), they don’t make me want to buy Nike things (I might then have a forty year old flirting with me) and they don’t make me want to root for Michael Vick or Brian Urlacher (after all, those bums barely beat a highschool team).

Seriously. Jillian Barberie is forty freaking years old, going after an eighteen year old? What? Urlacher, Troy Polomalu, Vick, and LT aren’t enough to win a game against a high school team save for that Hail Mary pass? Speaking of that pass, no team, even in high school, would fall for a run on the last play of the game! There wouldn’t be guys crashing in on LT! They’d all be deep! Seeing as Don Shula is the coach of the team, you’d think he would know this! But football movies conveniently forget this, so why not commercials? (Both Remember the Titans and Gridirion Gang involve teams being surprised by a deep throw on the final play when the team needs a TD to win).

And what on Earth are Deion Sanders and Steve Young doing in the stands? It is a total overload of celebrities. With this many high profile coaches/players lined up, Nike could have done something really interesting. Instead, they give us this nonsensical hodgepodge assortment of stars and celebrities in a strange situation where nobody belongs, football is everything, play action is respected on the last play of the game, and Brian Urlacher doesn’t know what happens when Napolean invades Russia.

Too Much Hair: Larry Johnson pulled Troy Polomalu down by the hair the other day. That was weird. Makes you wonder about Troy’s commitment to the game. If his hair is more important to him than his team... he needs a new profession. Some people were confused because Larry Johnson was penalized for un-sportsman like conduct, but this was for pulling him *up* by the hair after the play was already over. It is indeed quite legal to tackle someone by the hair if it sticks out of their helmet. Weird. Like I said, Troy has some serious soul searching to do with his barber.

Day of Reckoning: The day I have been dreading since the Tennessee Titans so misguidedly passed up on Matt Leinart has finally come. He has completely shocked the world. Except me. I knew he would be this good, I knew he would do this, I knew the Titans were acting irrationally by taking a run-first QB, but alas, one fan knowing it doesn’t make the powers-that-be understand. Curse you, Floyd Reese. Curse you. And if it wasn’t your decision, curse whoever it was that made the decision. You guys deserve to lose. I still hold out hope that Young will be a good QB. But there is a prototype for winning in the NFL, and Matt Leinart embodies it. Tall, smart, accurate QBs who can move around just enough to stay alive while looking up the field. Sure, they didn’t end up winning the game, but it wasn’t Leinart’s fault--he even got them in range for a game tying field goal. He just happens to play in Arizona (the fact that he got Arizona that close to winning is proof of how good he is). *pulls hair out*

10/14/06 rants

10/14/06
Catching Up

Dozens of sports stories have been creeping by as I fumed about the Yankees ridiculous early departure from the playoffs. So to make up for my lack of minor rants last time around, I will now catch you up on everything you need to know through an all-minor-rant article.

Drew Fails: Drew Bledsoe failed miserably in his attempts to, ya know, throw the football last Sunday. Though clearly the purpose of the game of football is to get the funky-bouncing pigskin into Terrell Owens’ hands, Drew could not do it. It almost seemed like he was trying to win the game instead of giving T.O. the ball. I mean, he clearly under threw T.O. on deep routes, was obviously somehow responsible for T.O.’s drops when crossing the middle of the field, and come on people—13 throws in Owens’ direction is not nearly enough. It isn’t like Terry Glenn needed any balls thrown his way. Who has ever heard of him? Did he single-handedly destroy two franchises? No? Well then clearly he does not have the Power of Terrell Owens.

Joe Stays: Smart Yankee fans throughout the country scream in pain and disgust.

Baseball: Apparently, there is still baseball to be played. Who knew? Who cares, either? The Mets should run through the Cardinals, someone will win in the A.L., and the A.L. team will win the World Series because that is what A.L. teams do. I have no rooting interest, really. No one else does either. If you aren’t from Oakland, Detroit or St. Louis—or maybe the ten people in NY who root for the Mets—you don’t care. When the Yankees are in the playoffs, everybody cares, love them or hate them. Oh well. MLB’s loss.

Corey Lidle: You can’t say much about this. It is tragic. From a somewhat morbid, Yankee fanatic point of view, there is only one question: why didn’t he invite Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright, Hideki Matsui and Joe Torre to ride with him? Shame.

Get This Man An Education: I’m not going to name names (though I suppose that sentence is a bit contradictory...), but a certain sports writer whose last name rhymes with “myth”, and who used to be a relatively regular sight on Around the Horn...

Stinks.

If you want a clinic in how *not* to write an article, read his articles. They are bad. You have to wonder how the guy got the job. Really. He isn’t a bad guy. On Around the Horn, where his super-informal and ultra unoriginal babbling belongs, he is a solid contributor. On ESPN.com, where the ability to write is somewhat useful, he just brings the whole site down.

Herm and Lovie: You know, I hate it when people bring race into everything. It doesn’t really need to be there. The NBA, NFL and MLB all have far more than the percentage of the population when it comes to diversity. And often, issues propounded as racial by the Stuart Scotts of the world have A) nothing at all to do with the color of your skin or B) it swings both ways. Take two black coaches in the NFL, for example. Lovie Smith and Herman Edwards coach the Bears and Chiefs, respectively. Lovie Smith was, for a long time, an underrated coordinator who finally landed a head coaching gig in Chicago. Herman Edwards has been, for a long time, one of the most overrated coaches in the league. Now if Lovie was being shunned due to his African roots, Herman was being grabbed due to those same roots. Or, if we could just admit that some African-American coaches are misjudged for reasons *other* than their color, we can dispense with the whole business.

Lovie Smith is now proving just how good he is. Herman Edwards is proving just how bad he is. He wrecked the Jets and is now doing the same to the KC Chiefs. He is bad. Lovie is good. Has nothing to do with what you see when you look in the mirror.

Leinart: Though the Cardinals lost last week, rookie quarterback Matt Lienart played extremely well in his first NFL start, showing why he was termed the “NFL-ready” QB during this most recent draft. I ached and pleaded and hoped against hope that the Titans would take Leinart and not Vince Young with the third pick in June. But no, they had to go with the “athletic” QB. The NFL’s obsession with mobile quarterbacks is unbelievable. Running QBs do not win. Let us look at the past Super Bowl winners:

Ben Roethlisberger
Tom Brady
Tom Brady
Brad Johsnon
Tom Brady
Trent Dilfer
Kurt Warner
John Elway
John Elway
Brett Favre

And the list could go on. Besides the preponderance of Bradys and Elways, the thing one should notice is that none of those QBs run very often. The closest a running QB ever came to winning a Super Bowl was Steve McNair’s 1 yard shy job in 2000, and McNair was, not surprisingly, morphing into the passer he would become for the next five years. Why do teams still go after running QBs? Running QBs don’t win. Accurate, smart passers win. Sounds a lot like Matt Lienart. Too bad for his sake that even accurate, smart QBs can’t win in Arizona. Heck, even 6’5”, 230 lb, laser-rocket armed quarterbacks could never win in Arizona.

Really though. Think about running QBs versus passing ones. Donovan McNabb was the most overrated QB in the league when he ran all of the time. Now that he throws the ball, he is dang good. Steve McNair was okay when he ran often, but he became a co-MVP when he started throwing the ball. You don’t want a cement-feet QB like Bledsoe, but a guy with mobility should use it to escape the rush and throw, not to escape the rush and run. All of the numbers back me up on that one, including Ws.

NBA: The National Basketball Association opened its exhibition schedule lately... internationally. I suppose it makes sense, since everyone in the NBA is now foreign, but still, should we re-name this league the IBA? Seriously. Let’s forget this whole shenanigan where players form other countries play on our teams while pretending it is still a “National” Basketball Association. Just make the thing international. Or maybe not. Just banning all international players would be better. Except Canadians. That way we can still see behind the back, over the shoulder, through the legs, off the backboard passes right into the waiting hands of a Phoenix player getting ready to dunk.

This Means...: Joey Harrington has replaced Daunte Culpepper as the Miami Dolphins QB, ostensibly due to Culpepper’s “injury”. If by “injury”, one means pathetic and awful playing, sure, Daunte is injured. The fact is, the Dolphins just want an excuse as to why they are playing so badly, and they have now invented an effective one. I would not care so much except that this means whenever Culpepper comes back again, everyone will be expecting him to play well again, and they will act surprised when he fails again. Until the Dolphins trade for Randy Moss, Daunte will be a below average QB.

What a Game: The Steelers Play the Chiefs this week. Dangit. Two horribly overrated teams playing is always a bad thing, because whichever team wins is suddenly proclaimed fantastic by the football pundits. If Pittsburgh wins, they are “back on track”, and if KC wins, they are “on their way”. Sure, they would have a winning record, but Kansas City beat the Cardinals. Every team should beat the Cardinals. If Pittsburgh defeats the Chiefs this week—which they might—it won’t be much of a victory. Beating a Herman Edwards coached team is like beating a glacier down a hill. Or something like that.

Japan Has it Right: In the Japanese baseball playoffs, the team with the best record gets a bye, while the second and third place teams duke it out for the chance to challenge the best team. Now I have for a long time been a proponent of some type of rule such as this, but Japan, in its unbelievably progressive baseball wisdom, takes it even farther. The team with the best record is spotted a game against the winner of the other series! It is a race to three victories, with the best team being given one to start with. Now that is the type of genius that the MLB needs to adopt. Of course, they won’t, because Bud Selig is an idiot (Steroids? What are steroids?), but that’s okay.

Is This Legal?: The Denver Broncos are favored to beat the Oakland Raiders by 15 points this weekend. That is a huge disparity. If the spread is 10 points, it is huge. 15 is gigantic. Well, okay, you say, the Raiders are bad. But do you know just how bad they are? The Broncos average 12 points a game.

10/11/06 rant

10/10/06
New Levels of Incompetence

In my articles thus far, I have used size 14 print in my initial rant, and size 12 in my minor rants. To accommodate the sheer length that my initial rant will in all likelihood attain, I have made both sizes smaller.
Before I get onto the Yankees and the 4,000 things that went wrong with them, I’ll pay lip service to the other series’ to feign objectivity. You, the reader, will be completely fooled by this and walk away from my article smiling, saying things aloud like “he is a really complete writer. He gets every angle, covers everything, and does not pay undue attention to MLB, NFL, and the Yankees in general”. Absolutely.
I do not know what hideous sickness convinced me to pick the Padres in the series over the Cardinals. Oh wait, yes I do. Twas the hideous sickness called “fan-hood”. The Cardinals need to lose. They need to lose quickly, painfully, and badly. But I should never have *picked* them to lose. This is a lot like my March Madness bracket this year. Oh how stupid I am (just because Syracuse is Big East doesn’t make them good. *smacks self over and over and over*). I knew the Cardinals would win but I picked the Padres because I wanted them to win. The Cardinals need to disappear. Pujols' funky batting stance needs to disappear. Chris Carpenter needs to disappear. Tony La Russa really needs to disappear. Yet they did not, because they were playing the Padres.
Last year, the NL West got a team in the playoffs despite horrifically stinking. This year, they got two teams in the playoffs, not in spite of, but because they horrifically stink. With so many bad teams, their records managed to eventually cancel each other out until two terrible teams from a terrible division from a terrible league managed to get into the big shabang. They both lost quickly. Surprise surprise.
Meanwhile, the Twins got embarrassed. Violated. Strung up on the flag pole *in* their underwear. They were so thoroughly beaten it is hard to believe this team once looked formidable. How did they ever win a game Santana did not pitch? Speaking of Santana, even he was out pitched, at home no less. So much for everyone’s favorite MVP candidate. The A’s didn’t really score that much; Twins hitters simply looked awful. Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer did nothing until it was too late. So much for everyone’s second and third favorite MVP candidates (everyone always loves the Twins until they get into the postseason, and then we remember they are still the Twins).
Barry Zito is making his off-season payday bigger with every playoff start like that. I hope he now crashes and burns, so that when the Yankees inevitably pursue him, he will cost them less. He is a head case who will never survive in NY, and hopefully they only waste $10000000 on him instead of $12000000. Man that’s a lot of zeros. Can you imagine making that much and claiming you get minimum wage? Yeah well Torii Hunter can. And we saw what happened to his team. Once upon a time when he was relevant, Latrell Sprewell made similar comments. His teams fared no better. That should be a warning to overpaid athletes everywhere: stop complaining about money. The karma will kill you. You get absurd amounts of money to play a game.
Yet all of this pales in comparison to the ultimate underachiever, Alex Rodriguez.
Now the article changes. Now I become two people. First, I will give the fan’s take. What the die-hard Yankee fan who can’t believe what he just saw is saying about this team and what should happen. Then, I will give a more rational answer. This is not to say that everything said by a fan is unreasoning—quite the contrary, the fan knows best because the fan is the customer. But sometimes fans get a tad zealous.

A-Rod

The Fan’s Take:

Oh how we loathe you, A-Rod. Oh how we roll our eyes when you come up to the plate. Oh how we are not surprised when you look like a 5 year old swinging wildly at his dad’s best curveball. Oh how we aren’t surprised when you stare at a meaty fastball headed right down the center of the plate. Oh how much we want to get rid of you. Oh how we know it won’t happen, because baseball does not work like that. Oh how we rue the day when living memory has passed and your numbers are the only things to speak for you, and analysts proclaim you the greatest player of all time. Oh how wrong they will be. You are not even the greatest player of your generation, not even the greatest player on your team, for goodness’ sake.
The Yankees lost because A-Rod came up with the bases loaded instead of Scott Brosius. Brosius will barely be remembered in history books, but he was a better playoff performer than you, oh blue lipped, perfectly proportioned, blonde highlighted, pretty boy. Go back to Texas and play on last place teams where numbers in the regular season mean everything. Go ahead.

Rational Thought:

Alex Rodriguez knows how to physically hit a baseball. He knows how to hit it to left field, right field, the field next door, the moon, etc. What he does not know is when to hit a baseball. He gives no indication that he will ever be able to perform when his team needs him. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but there are clearly some problems in the man’s head. Maybe it is New York—who knows. He gets a ton of scrutiny, and after a while you have to feel sorry for him. If he will never produce in NY, though, he needs to leave. If Lou Pinella can get him to produce...
Regardless, the fact remains that A-Rod tries hard and doesn’t come through. Will New York ever fit for him? Maybe, maybe not. How long are the Yankees going to wait to find out, and even if they determine he has to go, can they realistically get rid of him?

Division Series

The Fan’s Take:

In years long gone, the best teams won. They sent the team with the best regular season record to the World Series. That was it. That worked. Why? Because 162 games is a heck of lot more than 5, and it shows for more clearly who the better team is. The five game series does various things to baseball:
1) It makes it the ultimate me-first sport. Team baseball is useless. It is pointless. To win in the playoffs you need what the Diamonbacks had in ’01: two good pitchers, one good hitter, period. This is no team game anymore. This is a game where the guys in the lineup tell their pitcher to shut the other team down while we stare at our muscles and pose for endorsements. No game requires less teamwork than baseball as is, and such a short series turns it into a mess of egos. Look at the A’s. They have a good pitcher, a good hitter, and a spot in the ALCS. Of course, the Twins had that too, but the Twins got unlucky.
2) Speaking of which, the division series’ ridiculous number of games makes whatever you did in the regular season useless. Who cares if you were the second best team in your division? Who cares if you were the third best team in your league? Get one lucky, fluke of a game and the series is practically yours.
3) It doesn’t even make any sense. More games mean more money, and yet MLB doesn’t want it. Why? Probably so that every team has a chance. Yeah. And I could win the World Series of Poker. Technically, I could. But the chances are 9,000 to 1 against. Well the chances of your team winning are 7-1 against. Who cares if they are twice as good as the team they are playing against. That matters not. It is a roll of the dice.
4) For that matter, why don’t we just flip coins? Send the captains out there and have them pick sides, and then the ump flips a coin to see who wins, everybody cheers or jeers, and we move on. More efficient that way.
5) The Oakland A’s take the first half of the season off. Period. All the time. The Twins took it off this year. But they know that as long as they then sneak into the playoffs somehow, those games mean absolutely nothing. Being a wildcard doesn’t matter. Having no home field doesn’t matter. It is a freaking crapshoot, and the whole dang baseball world knows it.

Rational Thought:

There is an inherent fault in Baseball: the best team does not always win. This is obvious since the best team in the league has never lost fewer than 46 games. On average, the best teams loses 60 times. 60 times! How then, is one supposed to judge the season on a five game series? You can’t. It is stupid, it always has been, the best team does not win in the playoffs, the luckiest team wins. Seven game series are at least tolerable. Generally, in a seven game series, the better team will win—though it is still far from certain. But in a five game series, the Royals can win. Really. They swept Detroit in a THREE game series to end the season. And yet we are supposed to believe a five game series does any type of justice to the teams’ abilities?
This is why, in years long gone, the best teams won. They sent the team with the best regular season record to the World Series. That was it. That worked. Why? Because 162 games is a heck of lot more than 5, and it shows for more clearly who the better team is.


Brian Cashman

The Fan’s Take:

This bum never does a darn thing right. Randy Johnson for three years at $16 million a year, a guy with a 5.00 ERA? Carl Pavano? Jaret Wright? Kyle Farnsworth? There is no level of stupidity to which this man won’t fall.

Rational Thought:

Brian Cashman has given the Yankees a veritable All-Star team. The problem with these particular All-Stars is that the majority have not been All-Stars for years. He gets them old, washed up pitchers, and sluggers who know how to hit but not how to win. Cashman can evaluate talent pretty darn well; but Matsui, A-Rod, etc., apart from being somewhat no-brainers, are also somewhat terrible. Matsui is a guy who will give you good stats and terrible results. He is easy to strike out if one has a live fastball, and he gives second basemen around the league double play balls all the time. Acquisitions like Giambi and Sheffield seem good until you realize that the Yankees are paying them ludicrous amounts of money for two good years and then a washed up, old, bench player.
Nevertheless, the team Cashman has not-so-exquisitely put together (he does have a $200000000 payroll to work with... wow. Many a zero there) should win. Cashman’s problem is he hates change. When asked if A-Rod or Torre might be moving out after their embarrassing loss to the Tigers, Cashman replied as if it was is stupid question, wondering why they would possibly want to get rid of either of them.
Maybe because your team just got embarrassed and they were two huge reasons why. If you don’t win, why go out with the exact same team and expect to win next year?


Joe Torre

The Fan’s Take:

He sucks. Completely.

Rational Thought:

He sucks. A lot. Joe Torre clearly knows how to keep a cool head over the long regular season, and he is adept at appeasing the massive egos involved with the Yankees $200 million payroll. But he does not know how to manage the game of baseball at all.
Let’s just count a few of the many and vast mistakes he made this series:
1) He took out Wang in the seventh inning of game 1, when Wang was on a roll and the entire Yankee team was bulldozing the Tigers. It would never be the same again. Every Yankee fan with a brain was screaming at Torre as he walked out to the mound. It was one of the dumbest moves I have ever seen a manager or coach make in any sport. Torre has a history of pulling starting pitchers way too early, but this was unbelievably bad. Not surprisingly, Mike Myers gives up a home run, Scott Proctor has to work out of trouble, and the Yankees completely hand the high ground to the Tigers.
2) He batted A-Rod 6th in the line-up. What? That’s a great way to inspire confidence in a shattered mind. Make sure he knows he is pitiful enough to only deserve the sixth spot.
3) He played Matsui instead of Melky. I don’t know how much of this is Torre versus Cashman—Matsui makes way more money than Melky—but Cabrera is a far superior outfield, a faster base runner, and had far more experience at the plate this year. In addition, Melky is capable of doing all the things a team needs to do in the playoffs—moving runners over, making tough outs, not grounding into double plays, etc. Not to mention the fact that he is a switch hitter.
4) He dropped A-Rod to 8th in the lineup. Oh. Yeah. Great confidence booster there.
5) He did not play Giambi, the Yankees top home run hitter, in the final game. And it isn’t like Giambi is all or nothing. He can walk with the best of them. He is the best of them.
6) These and other such awful moves had the Yankee team as a whole disordered and lacking in passion. You could just see that the Yankees almost did not care. That is supposed to be Torre’s forte, and he failed even there.

This list doesn’t even include his destruction of the bullpen during the regular season. All of their relievers were good for the first half, but tired and died and stunk towards the end of the season. Why is this? Because Torre beats them all into the ground, by pulling his starters in the 4th inning when they have perfect games going and their pitch count is up to 37.
Despite all of this, Torre is defended by some of his players. Well... duh. Players love Torre. He is easy on them, lets them get lazy, doesn’t care if they play hard, and does his best not to step on any toes. Of course the players like him. Jaret Wright even came out with the ridiculous “he doesn’t swing a bat or throw a pitch” line. Well, if that were a valid excuse, no manager should be fired—ever! (After all, Grady Litle wasn’t the guy who was throwing gas in game seven of the 2003 ALCS). Gary Sheffield, the most honest, least politically correct player on the team—though he won’t be on for long—had the following to say about Torre’s decision-making:

"I think that (putting A-Rod eighth) affected the morale and psyche of the entire team, not just A-Rod. I'm not making any excuses, but everyone was wondering what was going on. It made it a real weird day. You would like to be treated with a little respect, I don't care who you play for.

"We were worrying about all of that stuff, and we still had a game to play. If I'm on the other side, and all of a sudden they're putting Rodriguez eighth and putting me or Jason on the bench, you wonder what's going on. Those guys [the Tigers] were asking me about it. I think it boosted their morale. It gave them confidence they didn't have.”

Amen, Sheff. Torre should be gone, won’t be gone, and now we all—Yankee fans and haters alike—get to watch Torre screw up yet another talented team for one more year—at least—through horrible over-managing.

10/08/06
Surprise. Surprise? Surprise!?

Why, why, why is anyone surprised anymore? For the first four weeks of the NFL season, numerous commentators, analysts, pundits and fans have acted “surprised” that Daunte Culpepper has performed terribly... you know, the way he has performed in every game since the loss of Randy Moss. He stunk last year before his injury. Did everyone just forget this? The 12 interceptions and 2-5 record? All gone? He didn’t get injured before that, guys.
He is now in Miami, playing awful, and everyone is feigning shock. People are even trying to make excuses for him: his mobility isn’t back yet; his offensive line is terrible, etc. So? He played exactly like this last year when he had all the mobility in the world, and his offensive line was fine. Brad Johnson (not exactly a guy who is going to strike fear into defensive coordinators) took the exact same team Culpepper had, and went 6-3 with it. Why couldn’t Culpepper do that? Because he just isn’t good.
This same type of attitude is always visible in the critics’ criticizing. For instance, does anyone know who Adrian Beltre is? If you do, you are a baseball aficionado. Here are his career stats. Pay attention to *all* of the years besides 2004.

http://seattle.mariners.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/stats/mlb_individual_stats_player.jsp?playerID=134181&statType=1

Remarkably consistent hitter, isn’t he? He hits between 15 and 25 home runs, drives in about 60-80, averages somewhere in the .260 range. So, his contract should be pedestrian, right? Orlando Bloom doesn’t get Harrison Ford type money, right? Uh... wrong, apparently. The Seattle Mariners signed him to a $64 million dollar deal. Now what is a glorified Craig Wilson doing with all that money? Probably wasting it, but as you probably guessed, the intent of my question was thus: what was Seattle thinking? Well, they were snowed. In his contract year, 2004, Beltre hit 48 home runs and batted .334. Clearly then, he was going to produce those numbers every year, and there was no sense in Seattle exercising the least bit of caution about a guy who only seems to hit in contract years. I mean, if they had given him a 1 year deal worth $20 million, it would have been a better idea. What possessed them to go all loony over a guy’s contract year? Yet still, they can be forgiven for playing the optimist, over paying in the hopes that Beltre had finally matured and would continue to produce, etc.
But how could anyone be surprised when this guy went back to normal? All over the place people were wondering why he wasn’t a regular Barry Bonds. Well, I’ll tell you why! He just isn’t that good.
The reason players so often disappoint is because players are almost always overrated. Who knows why, but except for the sarcastic ego-bludgeoning writers of Page 2 and other such columns, the experts and commentators gush about almost everyone. Why the strange optimism? Same reason they are surprised when Rex Grossman plays like a National Football League quarterback.
Contrary to their own opinion, the experts don’t predict, they extrapolate. Have you ever seen someone pick a team to go the World Series who had a losing record the year before? Probably not. They really only tell us what we already know. Because of this, when something new happens, i.e. Rex Grossman turns into a good QB, they act like they just saw the Sixth Sense for the first time. I mean, they drafted Grossman high for a reason. Stood to chance that someday he would be good.


Credentials: I do not know what type of resume one needs to land a job at ESPN as an analyst, “expert” or commentator, but the most basic of requirements—one would think—is the ability to annunciate. I cannot understand a darn thing Lou Holtz says. Can anyone else? I don’t want to crap on old people, and I think he is a stand up guy with—in the few instances I can understand him—non-objectionable things to say. But my goodness, he sounds like Mohammed Ali combined with George Bush, and that is not a swell combination. You would probably have a better shot at understanding Morse code than Lou Holtz.

Speaking of Which: Check out these quotes, from authors who will remain anonymous. At least two of the quotations come from those who hold the title “senior writer” at ESPN.com. Now besides the incorrect grammar in the last sentence that would cause the hair to stand up on the back of any decent English-teacher’s neck, these samplings are simply indicative of the dirt-poor writing one finds online these days.

“The much-anticipated showdown of NFC unbeatens turned into a beat-down, with the Bears beating the Seahawks 37-6.”

Beat-down plus beating. Most people would notice that the double use of a word is undesirable. The “beating” should most likely be replaced with “defeating” or something similar. This might seem picayune, but this is not an exception. These types of ridiculous sentences make up the majority of the reading available in articles on ESPN.com, MLB.com, and NFL.com, though ESPN has the largest problem.

“The Raiders completed just nine passes against the Browns on Sunday, and (the Raiders) still managed to blow a 21-3 lead to remain winless.”

“Still”? He makes one negative statement; then he follows it up with another negative, and yet interjects “still” in between. Suffice it to say, you will not be getting high SAT scores with horrific recognition like this. Is it that hard to write well? If so, I must be a genius because I have no trouble writing far better than this.

WARNING: If you suffer from post-grammatical-error-trauma, do not read the following sentence.

“It's also helped that assistant head coach/offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg coached with Reid in Green Bay and before that at Texas-El Paso and Missouri.”

If you cannot find the blatant grammatical error in here, I suppose you are exactly the type of audience ESPN.com is writing to appease. I don’t only blame this one on the writer; I blame the editors. How did they miss this one? If this was an isolated incident, one could conclude it a minor error that is almost inevitable given the number of things written on ESPN.com. Unfortunately, these types of nonsensical inaccuracies are all over the place. Is this what it takes to be an ESPN writer/editor? Nothing?

There are exceptions of course. Humorous or non-serious articles gain leeway because they aren’t meant to be professional. Small avoidance of grammar in official articles can be understood somewhat, even if not completely justified. (Example, using periods to denote frustration. “Don’t. Ever. Do. That. Again.” or something similar). But this complete lack of both grammar and writing ability astounds, from paragraph to paragraph. It is not hard to recognize any of the obvious errors listed above. One is an example of bad writing, with nothing grammatically faulty. Another uses a fallacious turn of phrase. The final sample is simply, horrifically wrong. I did not go searching for these errors either. I found them randomly within the time it takes to read three articles.
I write a blog which seven people read. I do it for fun. I don’t edit it. Even then, the only major errors are misspellings. Sure, a few things slip through the cracks but come on people, I could easily, easily write for ESPN by these standards of mediocrity, and in all likelihood, you could too! We could write far better, and that is not a boast on our part, it is an insult to their (lack of) writing ability. I demand that the major sports leagues, networks and sports’ sites start delivering premium, talented authors to provide us with information. This second rate garbage they are spewing right now is inexcusable for organizations as large and resourceful as they.

10/04/06
Power of the Press

Editor’s note: To truly appreciate the following article, one most take note of the bolded portions of text. These portions should be read as if they were being dictated by that announcer guy from the movies, whilst in his most grave, serious, all-important tone of voice. In the meantime, read all non-bold parts completely normal, to exacerbate the effect; this will provide a more enjoyable reading experience. You may now proceed.

There are few stories/articles which automatically grab the attention of all viewers/readers—and hold onto that attention like a parsimonious old billionaire geezer holds onto money—with the force which “Power Rankings” can. For those three people left in the world who do not know what “Power Rankings” are, here is a quick synopsis:
Power Rankings determine the order of everything in the universe. Even random fluctuations of molecular cohesion in the Alpha Centauri system look up Power Rankings to figure out what they should do. Of course, if you want a more accurate explanation of Power Rankings, go look them up, or read the next paragraph.
Power Rankings hold such sway over their audience because they are short (absolutely every little blurb must not exceed one sentence... well, not exactly), sweet (well, not exactly), completely pointless (does anyone really care who Pete Prisco thinks is the best team in the league? Not exactly), but most important of all, they tell you exactly how good your team is, and it usually determines whether or not your team will do well in the postseason! (This explains why the Chicago White Sox dominated the ESPN MLB Power Rankings the entire first half of the year).
Now besides an overwhelming flood of parenthetical phrases, the last paragraph should have convinced you that I, the author, believe Power Rankings to be inutile (love that word), impractical, unhelpful and lacking in trustworthy information. Maybe so, but I am every bit as snowed by them as the rest of the world, and I read them. All of them. I wake up on Tuesday and immediately search for them—on three different sites, no less—to discover what the major networks believe about the relative Power of each team. As silly as this is, I will now join them. Here then, are my NFL Power Rankings, which will occur every four games, i.e. quarterly.
The only things of which I have to make sure are: every team’s blurb must be no longer than Tony Kornheiser’s hair—or in other words, two sentences at most; the numbers, which are far more important than anything else, must be prominent and important-looking. I have also decided to rank my teams from worst to first, instead of 1-32, since the suspense and anticipation of discovering which team is best at the final possible second is well worth the trouble of counting backwards from 32. And for you troublemakers insinuating that one can deduce the first place team by looking at the first 31 teams listed and noting who isn’t there... Go put your name on a steroids affidavit.







TheSportsRant’s Quarterly NFL Power Rankings


32. Oakland: For a brief moment, it looked as if they might win a game. Oh well.

31. Tennessee: Floyd Reese (the GM) needs to be fired. So do all of the players.

30. Miami: They have proven three things this year: Daunte Culpepper is awful; they can beat Tennessee and they can’t beat anybody else.

29. Detroit: If Matt Millen does not get fired soon, he needs to be assassinated by a loyal fan wiling to sacrifice the rest of his life’s personal freedom for his team, the Lions. This team stinks, and it has for a long time.

28. Cleveland: Coming back from 18 down against the Raiders was okay, but what were they doing being 18 down against the Raiders?

27. Arizona: Once again, the big name offensive stars had all of the pundits crying to the heavens that this would be Arizona’s year. Get over it people; Arizona doesn’t GET a year.

26. Houston: Having the Texans this high seems sacrilegious, but it is akin to admitting that Orlando Bloom is a better actor than David Caruso. Sure, it sounds awful to put “Orlando Bloom” and “better than” in the same sentence, but it is true.

25. San Francisco: No, they aren’t deserving of this spot. Still, at least they play hard.

24. Green Bay: They stink, but they still have Brett Favre (pronounced: FARV). That counts for something.

23. Tampa Bay: No, they don’t have any wins, and yes, they suffer from a severe one-side-syndrome, and yes they have no QB, but you know you’d still take them against any of the other cellar-dwelling, powder puff, cup-cake, barely-NFL caliber football teams.

22. Kansas City: Herm Edwards coaches like... someone who coaches really badly.

21. St. Louis: Yeah, yeah, they are 3-1, and they could potentially be very good; I know. In response to your unspoken question about their low ranking, I say that all Power Rankings have at least a few terrible choices, and mine must be no different.

20. Minnesota: Everyone got Minnesota-loopy—until they lost to Buffalo. Speaking of which.

19. Buffalo: I don’t think they are very good, but see my note on the Rams.

18. Pittsburgh: I heard an interesting rumor involving Pittsburgh the other day: since they shamefully stole Super Bowl Extra Large from the Seahawks, perhaps the football Gods are acting as if the real result—the intended result—really happened, and are punishing Pittsburgh as the “Super Bowl losing team that doesn’t make the play-offs the next year”, while Seattle, who should have been that team, is playing just fine. I don’t know if this is true (it wasn’t a rumor, after all), but I was predicting Pittsburgh’s season like this for a while; they just aren’t that good.

17. Jacksonville: Byron and the offense finally score some points, and the defense takes the day off? What the heck?

16. Denver: They don’t look that good, drubbing of New England and all.

15. Washington: This is a strange, strange team. I predict a season very much like they are currently having: 8-8.

14. N.Y. Giants: They have the talent to be number 1. They have the coach to be number 32.

13. N.Y. Jets: There is really no reason for them to be this high, except that they are literally two possessions away from being 4-0.

12. Dallas: I don’t think Dallas is particularly good, but beating any NFL team 45-14 earns you a higher spot.

11. Philadelphia: I think they are much like the rest of the NFC East teams: overrated. Philly just has an easier schedule.

10. New Orleans: NO gives you that same feeling that the series premier of Studio 60 gave you: they were too busy introducing plot lines and characters to actually do anything interesting or funny, but you can’t really give up on the show because you haven’t seen anything yet. If the team turns out like the show, this could be a heck of a year.

9. New England: How could I have them ranked below Cincy? Cuz they ain’t as good as Cincy (What? 38-13? Are you serious?).

8. Cincinnati: But then, who knows how good this team is. Sometimes they look unbeatable, other times they look like... well, what they used to look like.

007. Carolina: Yeah I know: they are 2-2. But they are 2-0 with Steve Smith; in addition, see my note on the Rams.

6. Atlanta: In the playoffs, Atlanta will stink. In the regular season, they are very, very good.

5. Seattle: They can beat the snot out of bad teams, and get the snot beaten out of them by the Bears. Have you noticed just how many teams in this blasted league aren’t the Bears?

4. San Diego: They lost to Baltimore, but they are like 1/8 of the league in that respect. They are still very strong.

3. Indianapolis: Here is what I say about the Colts. This team is ridiculous, I mean, every year they look unbeatable in the regular season, but you just know they will choke when it comes playoff time, because even though Peyton Manning pulls so many game winning drives out of his pants that you’d think they would have giant holes in them, and their defense looks so dang good when they are leading by 100 and all they have to do is sit there and respond to the pass, and their running game doesn’t seem to matter because they have Peyton Manning, and I would love to rank them higher, you just know that when they play a really good team in a really important game, they will lose because they always do, like when that Harper guy ran right into Ben Roethlisberger instead of evading him in last year’s playoffs, and I’m not exactly condemning a defensive player for doing what he is usually trained to do but come on, you have the BALL in your hands—you know, that one that bounces all weird—and you don’t realize you should stay as far away from the other team as possible, so basically even though I am violating the spirit of Power Rankings with this ridiculously long sentence, there is now way to sum up the Colts in less than one sentence so it had to be done, and I maintain the letter of the law regardless, but I suppose you actually could sum up the colts with two words: Peyton Manning.

2. Baltimore: Who cares if Steve McNair can’t play until the last drive of the game. With that defense they don’t need him to play until the last drive of the game.

1. Chicago: Does this need an explanation at all?


Big Predictions: I don’t know how I could possibly have gotten my predictions on Frank Thomas better. He hit home runs, the A’s won, they would have lost without his homers. Why pitch to the man? They don’t have anyone backing him up. The only way I can be even more correct is if his batting average dips in the next few games. It will. Oh yes. It will.

Johan?: The Greatest Author of All Time recently wondered why Johan Santana is not yet referred to as “Johan”. Pedro Martinez became Pedro, Michael Jordan is Michael, Tiger Woods is Tiger, etc. When will Johan be on a one name basis? I say never. Why? Because he isn’t that kind of great. He is great, no doubt about it. Probably the most fantastic pitcher of our day. But in the first year we have ever had a lack of twenty game winners, that is not saying much. This talk for Santana as MVP was and is ludicrous. He had a very good year, and he usually does. But he wins 19-21 games, with lots of strikeouts, and ERAs around 2.5-3. I love the guy, he is great, but those numbers aren’t MVP type, or first name type. When Pedro was Pedro, you expected him to throw a perfect game every time out. Michael was expected to win single handedly—and he did. Tiger dominates his field like no one else has (or so I am told—I only follow real sports). Johan Santana pitches very, very well. But he isn’t like no one before him.

Torre: For a moment I will simply give you all the adjectives that describe Joe Torre’s managerial failures (see the bullpen fiasco he created in game 1 against the Tigers). Ostentatious, overbearing, meddling, awful, destructive, wasteful, dangerous—what? You say you could just look in a thesaurus? Oh. Anyway, maybe we should call this Torre syndrome. Indeed, that is what “we” will do. Torre syndrome involves over-managing (or over coaching) to such an extent that it isn’t even superficial posturing, it is actually harmful to the team.

10/01/06

10/01/06
Playoffs

Scintillating title there, don’t you agree? Well here we go. I’m going to begin by very vaguely writing about the playoffs in general thanks to this stupid league’s propensity for not figuring things out until the last day (and yet baseball has no parody... what a joke).
The first thing to notice is: where are the pitchers?

NOT PITCHING! BECAUSE PITCHING ISN’T EVERYTHING!

*takes calming breaths*

The Yanks, Twins, and everyone in the NL has at most two good starters, and by “at most”, I mean the Yankees, who have Wang and Moose (wonderfully odd combination of names there...) Detroit and Oakland both rely on their pitching, but neither can hit worth General Motor’s stock price. If it plays out the way it should, Detroit and Oakland will both lose in the first round, and no teams with “good pitching” will reside among the final four teams alive. What does that tell all of you “pitching wins championships” freaks? (I think the Yankees have better pitching than Detroit, but I digress... again).
In all reality, the Yankees will win unless they play awful. Really. You can’t beat a team that good; they have to beat themselves. They might do that, thanks to the return of Hideki Matsui, one of the most overrated players of our time. Man on first, less then two outs, Hideki up to bat: there is a guaranteed double play. Every time. He is a rally killer. This team won the division because they made rallies, not because they hit an inordinate amount of home runs—Giambi and A-Rod lead the team with 37 and 34, respectively; after that, the next highest total is their lead-off man’s 22. Matsui means “rally killer” in Japanese, or at least in some bizarre dialect. Why they locked him up for a thousand years at a billion dollars is beyond my reasoning, and clearly I have irrefutable reasoning.
The Twins have to be wondering if they are ever meant to win a playoff series. The Twins would, undoubtedly, hold the mantle of “favorite” if Francisco Liriano was healthy, but a phantom injury has him out: he blew hitters away, felt soreness in his arm, they took an MRI, it revealed nothing, he came back a few weeks later, blew hitters away, felt soreness in his arm, was done for the season, and yet tests revealed nothing. Explain this to me as anything other than a karma-induced, black magic-related miracle (for the rest of the league) brought on by Torii Hunter’s whining about his $10 million minimum wage, and their uber rich owner’s refusal to give them any type of a payroll. Despite the best pitcher in the league starting for them, the Twins simply have no shot. No team can overcome that kind of evil mojo. They might win in the first round thanks to their newfound homefield advantage, and Johan Santana’s habit of winning there (someone should mention this guy for Cy Young, I mean seriously), but no way are they winning it all. (Though, since I predicted the Twins would win it all when they were still below .500, I am right either way).
The A’s are a strange team. They don’t hit. One would think that playing baseball, or to be more specific, winning baseball, would require hitting. The A’s obviously find it unfashionable (or maybe it is simply not required by “moneyball”), because they treat hitting like a mysterious white powder rubbed on a raw chicken wrapped in spinach. Their only offensive force is Frank Thomas. Yes. Frank Thomas. He must be ninety by now. (Though I loathe this digression, a very reasonable argument was made for him being the greatest hitter of his era on ESPN.com’s Page 2. If you get rid of the steroid induced numbers of Bonds, Sosa, etc., Frank Thomas looks very, very good. Of course, he might have been on steroids also. Alas...) The pitching for this team looks good. Sort of. When you factor in Barry Zito’s career ERA against the Yankees, this team suddenly looks hopeless, even if they get by Minnesota.
Detroit got beaten into a pulp by the Yanks this year, and there is no reason to believe they will even get to the Yankees. Before I found out the Twins won the Central, I wrote the following regarding the Tigers’ first series: “If Frank Thomas hits a solo homerun in one game of the Oakland/Detroit series, that will likely be the only offense you see the entire time. Oakland’s pitchers will shut Detroit down, and vice versa. Most likely, the Big Hurt...ing Old Guy will win the series for the A’s by batting .120 but hitting only homeruns.” Thank goodness for the ratings that this hitter’s nightmare was no realized. Technically, it is still be a possibility in round duex, but you will see a pool scene containing Matthew McConaughey wearing his shirt before you see that. As is, Detroit will simply get “beaten into a pulp by the Yanks”.
Out in the National League, only one team has a chance to do anything in the World Series (i.e. not get swept): the Houston Astros. Unfortunately, they did not even make the playoffs. Yes, the best pitching team in the world is not even in the playoffs. Just thought I would rub this in—I mean, mention this—one more time: the best pitching team in the world is not even in the playoffs.
The Mets might not even make it out of the first round. If they do, they will likely get to the World Series. In a seven game series, two bad days don’t hurt you as much, so a team that relies solely on its hitting has a greater chance of winning (people claim the Yankees have this same problem, but name me another team that has two guys as good as Wang and Mussina at the front of their rotation... besides the Astros). The Mets also don’t have to worry about some other team pitching particularly well, since the NL is strangely lacking in pitching. (If an entire league can’t hit, where do all these bad pitching numbers come from? I suppose the Mets single handedly made the NL pitchers’ ERAs appear awful).
Lots of pundits are preaching the Dodgers, thanks to their staff of “Lowe, Maddux and Penny”, but has anyone bothered to check their stats, and not just their names? The Dodgers could very well come out of the NL, but only because every team has a chance in this horrific mess. (The NL reminds me of feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... not sure why.)
The Cardinals are so bad they barely even made the playoffs despite an 8 ½ game lead entering the final two weeks of the season. They have one pitcher and one hitter. That’s it. Let us now once again ponder the awfulness of the NL. If you had to bet your life on a team winning a series, you would pick any of the AL teams against any of the NL teams, and you know it. That is just bad.
I’d talk about the Padres but in all likelihood, you are sick of my pejorative ranting about the putrid and sickeningly awful NL. I suppose I could most likely come up with adjectives that mean “bad” for another two pages. I doubt you want that, do you?

I will now get onto the specifics of each series, going into startling detail and covering every possible angle.

ALDS: Yankees over Tigers in 4
ALDS: Twins over Athletics in 5
ALCS: Yankees over Athletics in 6
NLDS: Mets over Dodgers in 5
NLDS: Padres over Cardinals in 4
NLCS: Mets over Padres in 5
World Series: Yankees sweep Mets

What are you giving me that dubious look for?

Money oh Money: Public service announcement here: John Henry, owner of the accursed Red Sox, is now negotiating to buy at least one other NASCAR team. He has plenty of money to spend on the SAWWWCKS, he just refuses to. So shut up, you puling loser fans. Related note: The Minnesota Twins (an organization oft referred to as the anti-Yankees) ownership has plenty of money too. More than Steinbrenner, in fact. Their miserly ways are not the Yankees fault. Why should good ol’ George stop spending money because his colleagues are cheapskates? That makes as much sense as the Texans drafting Mario Williams...

Although!: Sense can finally be made of the world! I heard an interesting rumor the other day. It must be true because A) rumors obviously always are and B) it is the only explanation possible. The Texans did not want to draft Mario, they were forced to by the league! Everyone wanted the Saints to do well, so the League, correctly surmising that Reggie Bush would help the Saints win, fixed the draft in a massive conspiracy. Obviously the Saints victories would create feel-good stories and drama all over the place, thus enhancing the NFL’s product. So they made the Texans draft Mario Williams. Had to be what happened. I will accept no alternate theory.

Dealing in Stupidity: It is no secret that contestants on Deal or no Deal are idiotic in their attempts to overcome odds. But does anyone else remember another game show that offered a million bucks in relatively recent years? It possessed the extremely original title “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Think about when people took the money and ran on that show. As soon as they got past 32 grand, FUGEDABOUTIT! If they weren’t positive that they knew the answer, they would not risk the money. They had a 1 in 4 chance of getting it right, every time—probably better if they could eliminate an answer choice or two. Yet in Deal or no Deal, contestants routinely take odds no better than that, and after losing, they walk away with $10 (whereas a faulty answer in Millionaire still nets you 32 large). Think about this. America is not only stupid, it knows it is! People would rather have the random decisions of sealed boxes choose their money for them than their own knowledge—often times at worse odds! I blame the public school system.

Move 50: ...Kbr2: The World Championship match between Topalov and Kramnik has been delayed, and many fear for its continuance. In a Bobby Fischer-like protest, Kramnik refused to appear at the fifth game of the match, forfeiting it, allowing the official score to close to 3-2, still in Kramnik’s favor. The reason for Kramnik’s absence has got to be one of the funniest stories there has ever been. Indeed, I know chess is not a viable spectator sport, but this drama is too fantastic for ESPN to turn down.
Topalov complained about Kramnik’s behavior recently, and it was in protest to this which incited Kramnik to abscond. The complaint which Topalov levels: Kramnik has gone to the bathroom an average of fifty times per game! Apparently the bathroom is the only room without cameras, and Topalov find this suspicious. I would! Good heavens what is Kramnik doing in there!
As funny as this is, it is also extremely disappointing. This match needs to go on, and Kramnik’s shady ways (or perhaps just a very tiny bladder) are threatening to do to this match what ’94 did to baseball.