Titans Just Softening the League Up

Being the adamant Titans fan that I am, I promised myself I would write at least one article on the Titans this year. Since nothing but awful football, rookie QBs and assaults with cleats have occurred so far, I have had little positive to write about. Who cares. I can always make something up!

The Titans finally got in the victory column Sunday, defeating Washington 25-22. Now besides convincingly showing just how much parity there is in the NFL (the Redskins lost to the Titans, who lost to the Jets, who lost to the Jaguars, who lost to the Redskins), this victory has the Titans right where they want to be. Just ask them.

Coach Jeff Fisher said: “We said at the beginning of the year, that teams who win the Super Bowl, number one, get hot late, and number two, often have records of 11-5 or 12-4. I mean, the Steelers last year stunk, and they won because they got hot late—I believe they won their last four games of the regular season—and they had a record of 11-5. The Patriots in ’02 were no good either, but they won because they finished the season winning four games in a row, and were 11-5. The Ravens in ’01 were 6-4 and hadn’t scored an offensive TD in weeks, but they didn’t lose again. So really, we are right where we want to be. I told the team early on in the season that we needed to lose early so that we could build a big winning streak, and enter the playoffs at about 11-5. Why else would I have started Kerry Collins at QB for the first four weeks? I needed to make sure we lost. Now we are 1-5 and can get on a big winning streak all the way to the Super Bowl.”

The Titan’s rookie QB, Vince Young, agreed. “Coach Fisher was very persuasive in his arguments that being good early is overrated. At first I was skeptical but now I agree. I mean, look at the Dolphins. Sports Illustrated picked them to get to the Super Bowl, and they are 1-5. If we are as good as the team that’s supposed to get to the Super Bowl, we must be good.” Young added, “New Orleans was never picked to win the Super Bowl. I mean, really. No one has them getting to the big game, and they are 5-1. It just shows how records are overrated.”

Young’s sentiments were echoed by other young players, such as running back LenDale White. Said White: “You have to put things in perspective. The early season means very little. This isn’t like college where we had to go undefeated to reach the championship. Here, you are better off sluffing off the early part of the season. That way, you can play with the whole ‘nobody respects us’ chip on your shoulder the rest of the way.”

Certain wily veterans were not so sure, however. Wide receiver David Givens, a free agent from New England signed this past off season, smells something fishy.
“I’m a football player, so I don’t have the greatest memory, but when I won Super Bowl in New England... I don’t know, it seems crazy but I remember us winning a lot. I think we had like, twenty something victories in a row or something. I mean, I understand Coach’s point, sort of. I just think we won a lot more when I was with the pats."

When asked to comment on Givens’ remarks, Jeff Fisher had this to say:
“David Givens is a great athlete, but come on, he is a football player. These guys aren’t very smart. They just need to trust the coaching staff, because we clearly know better than the guys who actually play the game. Our plan is proceeding perfectly. Albert Haynesworth knows what I am talking about. He went to great personal sacrifice to implement our plan.”

Fisher is of course referring to the incident where Haynesworth twice raked his cleats across the un-helmeted face of Dallas center Andre Gurode. Though it seemed a vicious and despicable act of aggression against a helpless victim, it was actually a move of great honor, with the goal of putting the team first. Haynesworth explains:

“Everyone knows I am one of only two good defensive players on this team. And Keith Bullock certainly won’t risk his career for the team. I was worried we were playing a bit too well for Coach’s plan, so I knew I had to get myself suspended for a long period of time. The only way I could think of doing it was ripping a guys head to shreds. I had to, ya know. Man, Keith wasn’t going to get himself suspended for the good of the team.”

“That is the kind of commitment we wish every player on this team had,” Jeff Fisher remarked. “Sure, Albert could have found a lot of better ways to remove himself from games than by trying to kill another player, but we didn’t hire him for his brains. He is dumb as a tree and big as one too, which is the important part.”

Warning to all contenders: the Titans were losing on purpose. Now that they are trying to win, you have some serious problems on hand.


Why Not: Since everyone else seems to have an opinion on Briscoe High, Nike’s new advertising campaign, I will throw mine out there. Others’ opinions have ranged from strange to disgusted to just annoyed. I do agree that an advertising campaign with the slogan “Football is everything” while showing sports icons ignoring school is not a very wholesome message. But beyond that, what the heck is the point of these stupid commercials? They don’t make me want to play football (only stupid kids who lack knowledge of Napolean invading Russia play football), they don’t make me want to buy Nike things (I might then have a forty year old flirting with me) and they don’t make me want to root for Michael Vick or Brian Urlacher (after all, those bums barely beat a highschool team).

Seriously. Jillian Barberie is forty freaking years old, going after an eighteen year old? What? Urlacher, Troy Polomalu, Vick, and LT aren’t enough to win a game against a high school team save for that Hail Mary pass? Speaking of that pass, no team, even in high school, would fall for a run on the last play of the game! There wouldn’t be guys crashing in on LT! They’d all be deep! Seeing as Don Shula is the coach of the team, you’d think he would know this! But football movies conveniently forget this, so why not commercials? (Both Remember the Titans and Gridirion Gang involve teams being surprised by a deep throw on the final play when the team needs a TD to win).

And what on Earth are Deion Sanders and Steve Young doing in the stands? It is a total overload of celebrities. With this many high profile coaches/players lined up, Nike could have done something really interesting. Instead, they give us this nonsensical hodgepodge assortment of stars and celebrities in a strange situation where nobody belongs, football is everything, play action is respected on the last play of the game, and Brian Urlacher doesn’t know what happens when Napolean invades Russia.

Too Much Hair: Larry Johnson pulled Troy Polomalu down by the hair the other day. That was weird. Makes you wonder about Troy’s commitment to the game. If his hair is more important to him than his team... he needs a new profession. Some people were confused because Larry Johnson was penalized for un-sportsman like conduct, but this was for pulling him *up* by the hair after the play was already over. It is indeed quite legal to tackle someone by the hair if it sticks out of their helmet. Weird. Like I said, Troy has some serious soul searching to do with his barber.

Day of Reckoning: The day I have been dreading since the Tennessee Titans so misguidedly passed up on Matt Leinart has finally come. He has completely shocked the world. Except me. I knew he would be this good, I knew he would do this, I knew the Titans were acting irrationally by taking a run-first QB, but alas, one fan knowing it doesn’t make the powers-that-be understand. Curse you, Floyd Reese. Curse you. And if it wasn’t your decision, curse whoever it was that made the decision. You guys deserve to lose. I still hold out hope that Young will be a good QB. But there is a prototype for winning in the NFL, and Matt Leinart embodies it. Tall, smart, accurate QBs who can move around just enough to stay alive while looking up the field. Sure, they didn’t end up winning the game, but it wasn’t Leinart’s fault--he even got them in range for a game tying field goal. He just happens to play in Arizona (the fact that he got Arizona that close to winning is proof of how good he is). *pulls hair out*