10/01/06

10/01/06
Playoffs

Scintillating title there, don’t you agree? Well here we go. I’m going to begin by very vaguely writing about the playoffs in general thanks to this stupid league’s propensity for not figuring things out until the last day (and yet baseball has no parody... what a joke).
The first thing to notice is: where are the pitchers?

NOT PITCHING! BECAUSE PITCHING ISN’T EVERYTHING!

*takes calming breaths*

The Yanks, Twins, and everyone in the NL has at most two good starters, and by “at most”, I mean the Yankees, who have Wang and Moose (wonderfully odd combination of names there...) Detroit and Oakland both rely on their pitching, but neither can hit worth General Motor’s stock price. If it plays out the way it should, Detroit and Oakland will both lose in the first round, and no teams with “good pitching” will reside among the final four teams alive. What does that tell all of you “pitching wins championships” freaks? (I think the Yankees have better pitching than Detroit, but I digress... again).
In all reality, the Yankees will win unless they play awful. Really. You can’t beat a team that good; they have to beat themselves. They might do that, thanks to the return of Hideki Matsui, one of the most overrated players of our time. Man on first, less then two outs, Hideki up to bat: there is a guaranteed double play. Every time. He is a rally killer. This team won the division because they made rallies, not because they hit an inordinate amount of home runs—Giambi and A-Rod lead the team with 37 and 34, respectively; after that, the next highest total is their lead-off man’s 22. Matsui means “rally killer” in Japanese, or at least in some bizarre dialect. Why they locked him up for a thousand years at a billion dollars is beyond my reasoning, and clearly I have irrefutable reasoning.
The Twins have to be wondering if they are ever meant to win a playoff series. The Twins would, undoubtedly, hold the mantle of “favorite” if Francisco Liriano was healthy, but a phantom injury has him out: he blew hitters away, felt soreness in his arm, they took an MRI, it revealed nothing, he came back a few weeks later, blew hitters away, felt soreness in his arm, was done for the season, and yet tests revealed nothing. Explain this to me as anything other than a karma-induced, black magic-related miracle (for the rest of the league) brought on by Torii Hunter’s whining about his $10 million minimum wage, and their uber rich owner’s refusal to give them any type of a payroll. Despite the best pitcher in the league starting for them, the Twins simply have no shot. No team can overcome that kind of evil mojo. They might win in the first round thanks to their newfound homefield advantage, and Johan Santana’s habit of winning there (someone should mention this guy for Cy Young, I mean seriously), but no way are they winning it all. (Though, since I predicted the Twins would win it all when they were still below .500, I am right either way).
The A’s are a strange team. They don’t hit. One would think that playing baseball, or to be more specific, winning baseball, would require hitting. The A’s obviously find it unfashionable (or maybe it is simply not required by “moneyball”), because they treat hitting like a mysterious white powder rubbed on a raw chicken wrapped in spinach. Their only offensive force is Frank Thomas. Yes. Frank Thomas. He must be ninety by now. (Though I loathe this digression, a very reasonable argument was made for him being the greatest hitter of his era on ESPN.com’s Page 2. If you get rid of the steroid induced numbers of Bonds, Sosa, etc., Frank Thomas looks very, very good. Of course, he might have been on steroids also. Alas...) The pitching for this team looks good. Sort of. When you factor in Barry Zito’s career ERA against the Yankees, this team suddenly looks hopeless, even if they get by Minnesota.
Detroit got beaten into a pulp by the Yanks this year, and there is no reason to believe they will even get to the Yankees. Before I found out the Twins won the Central, I wrote the following regarding the Tigers’ first series: “If Frank Thomas hits a solo homerun in one game of the Oakland/Detroit series, that will likely be the only offense you see the entire time. Oakland’s pitchers will shut Detroit down, and vice versa. Most likely, the Big Hurt...ing Old Guy will win the series for the A’s by batting .120 but hitting only homeruns.” Thank goodness for the ratings that this hitter’s nightmare was no realized. Technically, it is still be a possibility in round duex, but you will see a pool scene containing Matthew McConaughey wearing his shirt before you see that. As is, Detroit will simply get “beaten into a pulp by the Yanks”.
Out in the National League, only one team has a chance to do anything in the World Series (i.e. not get swept): the Houston Astros. Unfortunately, they did not even make the playoffs. Yes, the best pitching team in the world is not even in the playoffs. Just thought I would rub this in—I mean, mention this—one more time: the best pitching team in the world is not even in the playoffs.
The Mets might not even make it out of the first round. If they do, they will likely get to the World Series. In a seven game series, two bad days don’t hurt you as much, so a team that relies solely on its hitting has a greater chance of winning (people claim the Yankees have this same problem, but name me another team that has two guys as good as Wang and Mussina at the front of their rotation... besides the Astros). The Mets also don’t have to worry about some other team pitching particularly well, since the NL is strangely lacking in pitching. (If an entire league can’t hit, where do all these bad pitching numbers come from? I suppose the Mets single handedly made the NL pitchers’ ERAs appear awful).
Lots of pundits are preaching the Dodgers, thanks to their staff of “Lowe, Maddux and Penny”, but has anyone bothered to check their stats, and not just their names? The Dodgers could very well come out of the NL, but only because every team has a chance in this horrific mess. (The NL reminds me of feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... not sure why.)
The Cardinals are so bad they barely even made the playoffs despite an 8 ½ game lead entering the final two weeks of the season. They have one pitcher and one hitter. That’s it. Let us now once again ponder the awfulness of the NL. If you had to bet your life on a team winning a series, you would pick any of the AL teams against any of the NL teams, and you know it. That is just bad.
I’d talk about the Padres but in all likelihood, you are sick of my pejorative ranting about the putrid and sickeningly awful NL. I suppose I could most likely come up with adjectives that mean “bad” for another two pages. I doubt you want that, do you?

I will now get onto the specifics of each series, going into startling detail and covering every possible angle.

ALDS: Yankees over Tigers in 4
ALDS: Twins over Athletics in 5
ALCS: Yankees over Athletics in 6
NLDS: Mets over Dodgers in 5
NLDS: Padres over Cardinals in 4
NLCS: Mets over Padres in 5
World Series: Yankees sweep Mets

What are you giving me that dubious look for?

Money oh Money: Public service announcement here: John Henry, owner of the accursed Red Sox, is now negotiating to buy at least one other NASCAR team. He has plenty of money to spend on the SAWWWCKS, he just refuses to. So shut up, you puling loser fans. Related note: The Minnesota Twins (an organization oft referred to as the anti-Yankees) ownership has plenty of money too. More than Steinbrenner, in fact. Their miserly ways are not the Yankees fault. Why should good ol’ George stop spending money because his colleagues are cheapskates? That makes as much sense as the Texans drafting Mario Williams...

Although!: Sense can finally be made of the world! I heard an interesting rumor the other day. It must be true because A) rumors obviously always are and B) it is the only explanation possible. The Texans did not want to draft Mario, they were forced to by the league! Everyone wanted the Saints to do well, so the League, correctly surmising that Reggie Bush would help the Saints win, fixed the draft in a massive conspiracy. Obviously the Saints victories would create feel-good stories and drama all over the place, thus enhancing the NFL’s product. So they made the Texans draft Mario Williams. Had to be what happened. I will accept no alternate theory.

Dealing in Stupidity: It is no secret that contestants on Deal or no Deal are idiotic in their attempts to overcome odds. But does anyone else remember another game show that offered a million bucks in relatively recent years? It possessed the extremely original title “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Think about when people took the money and ran on that show. As soon as they got past 32 grand, FUGEDABOUTIT! If they weren’t positive that they knew the answer, they would not risk the money. They had a 1 in 4 chance of getting it right, every time—probably better if they could eliminate an answer choice or two. Yet in Deal or no Deal, contestants routinely take odds no better than that, and after losing, they walk away with $10 (whereas a faulty answer in Millionaire still nets you 32 large). Think about this. America is not only stupid, it knows it is! People would rather have the random decisions of sealed boxes choose their money for them than their own knowledge—often times at worse odds! I blame the public school system.

Move 50: ...Kbr2: The World Championship match between Topalov and Kramnik has been delayed, and many fear for its continuance. In a Bobby Fischer-like protest, Kramnik refused to appear at the fifth game of the match, forfeiting it, allowing the official score to close to 3-2, still in Kramnik’s favor. The reason for Kramnik’s absence has got to be one of the funniest stories there has ever been. Indeed, I know chess is not a viable spectator sport, but this drama is too fantastic for ESPN to turn down.
Topalov complained about Kramnik’s behavior recently, and it was in protest to this which incited Kramnik to abscond. The complaint which Topalov levels: Kramnik has gone to the bathroom an average of fifty times per game! Apparently the bathroom is the only room without cameras, and Topalov find this suspicious. I would! Good heavens what is Kramnik doing in there!
As funny as this is, it is also extremely disappointing. This match needs to go on, and Kramnik’s shady ways (or perhaps just a very tiny bladder) are threatening to do to this match what ’94 did to baseball.