Relax, Guys (You Live on Another World, Known as the West Coast)

There has been a lot of ho-humming and complaining (and a *ton* of guffawing) regarding the Cardinals lately. This is understandable, considering they are 1-5 after the experts almost unanimously picked them to sneak into the playoffs. But after the Cardinals’ epic collapse on Monday Night Football, folks began discussing their epic failure as a franchise, in general. Everyone started talking about the Cardinals in those “they’ll never win” tones. They made the Cardinals sound like Germans in world wars, or the French in any war. They also acted as if this is always the way it has been. Well I am no “expert”—i.e. I’m not paid to be wrong—but it seems like people forgot about this for a long time. Why?

NO MORE BUNGLES! The United States of America dearly misses its Cincinnati Bengals. Yes, they are still around, and yes, they are actually a decent team now, but that is the problem! Everyone enjoyed laughing at the Bengals’ expense. Calling them all types of cheesy names, attempting to describe just how bad they were, and other such national pastimes were highly enjoyable. We used the Bengals like a bully uses a playground nerd. We picked them up, twisted them, threw them in trash cans, stole their money, punched them in the face, and dared them to ever stand up to us. For fourteen years they did not. Now that this fan-team bullying is no longer a possibility... what to do? Well, find a new playground nerd, of course! It will be tough. The Bengals went fourteen seasons without a single job done better than .500. Look at these win “totals” (if they can even be called that).
The Bengals, starting in 1991, continuing up to the Marvin Lewis era, won 3, 5, 3, 3, 7, 8, 7, 3, 4, 4, 6 and 2 games. That is bad. Horrible. Putrid. Intolerably despicable. Think about a team winning an average of 4.5 games every year for twelve years! We just ignored the Cardinals because we did not need another whipping-boy type team. Now that Marvin Lewis has brought the Bengals to respectability, the Cardinals are ripe for the picking. The Bengals pale in comparison to Cardinal-like putrescence. While looking at their past records, I have to wonder, is there anything better than playing on the West coast?

I ask this because it is no secret that Eastern teams get all the press, all the attention, and all the viewers (no I *don’t* feel like staying up until 1 in the morning to watch the Diamondbacks play the Giants!) But then, isn’t this an advantage? For one thing, the winning teams get to play with the whole “nobody respects us” chip on their shoulder, which usually translates to wins in the playoffs regardless of records (why do you think so many wild card teams win? Because they are good? Please do not tell me you are that naïve. They just have the motivation). Even better, the losing teams are almost entirely ignored. Now a team like the Raiders can’t escape this, because even though they are a western team, they are extremely high profile.

But for a team like Arizona, holy freaking crap! It is a darn good thing no one pays attention to them. If anyone had, the Bengals would have been ignored as the penultimate team in the league, instead of the ultimate (for those wondering why I am using superlative adjectives to describe these perennial losers, I’m not. Those words don’t mean what you think they do).

For years, the Bengals were harassed as being the most hopeless team in the league. But just look at the Cardinals! Starting in 1920, when they were playing in Chicago (the Cards have moved around a bit...) they have had five seasons of ten wins or more.

Five!

That means that it has taken the Cardinals 85 years to accomplish what the Colts have done in the last 6. There is bad, and then there are the Cardinals. And even though everyone knows this intuitively, their west coast address has them escaping their full share of insulting. I mean, they don’t have any nicknames like “Bungles”. How does a franchise which has a history of sheer ineptitude like the Cardinals escape that? I mean, thank goodness for the years of 74, 75, and 76. Without those, this team would have last won ten games in a season pre-“Sputnik”. How does one even begin to describe a franchise as bad as the Cardinals?

I’m not sure. I am really good at pejorative ranting, but even this team eludes my imagination. I mean, no mere synonym for “bad” would do this team justice. Maybe we should write a formal apology as a nation to the Bengals, for ever complaining about them while the Cardinals exist. Heck, even the Chicago Cubs are better than the Cardinals. The Cubs haven’t gotten less than ten wins ever! Even in strike years! So those Chicago fans need to stop whining. As usual, I am digressing.

In much the same way that all things unbeatable can now be described as “federerish”, I’d like to simply say that all things incapable of victory could be described as “cardinalish”, but unfortunately St. Louis has a team named the Cardinals poised to play(though also get swept) in the World Series. What to do? This conundrum is baffling. “Arizonish” won’t work because a) it would offend Arizonians, and b) a team from Arizona won the World Series (albeit on a fluky, 1 in a 1000000 hit) five years ago.

Then again, no one else could ever *possibly* be as bad as the Cardinals have historically been, so if you referred to someone else as “cardinalish” it would be like calling George Bush Hitler.

Maybe we should just leave the made up adjectives alone for now.

Yet there is still hope, Cardinal fans (do you really exist? Leave me a comment to prove it...). The Bengals reversed almost 15 years of awful football with one draft pick. Matt Leinart may save you yet. And if not, go find a 6’5”, 230 lb—

Oh you know the rest.



And We Haven’t Even Gotten To: Dennis Green! Wow! What a rant! For those who have not seen it yet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBOCE3eue3Y&mode=related&search=

Does anyone have a clue what he was talking about? I don’t! And I am an accomplished ranter. Hmm. That does not appear to be a word. It has one of those awful red squiggly lines under it. Oh well. Back to my main point: what was he trying to say? Anyone can tell the hopelessness of his current situation is overwhelming enough to drive a man insane, and it seems this is the only explanation. He was appealing to a pre-season game? Umm... okay. The Bears are what he thought they were? Since he never clarified, we just have to assume he meant “better than us”. “Crown their (butts)”?

Who crowns a person’s butt?

What Does This Say About...: This type of collapse is like Rome coming down. It had to happen eventually (Arizona isn’t allowed to beat Chicago. It is illegal), but when it does, it is still shocking. It also leaves us with one of those wonderful debates: “Do the Bears look better or worse?” This discussion inevitably comes up after a great team looks awful but manages to win. There are two camps: one says that the obviously poor play is indicative of team weakness. The other says that winning a close game when you aren’t playing well is the mark of a championship team.

Well, I don’t know how many times we could possibly debate that, but when Rex Grossman looks that bad against the Cardinals... well something is weird. Also, many analysts have been exhorting the dominance of the Bears defense, taking over the game in the second half. Well, they did let their team go down 23-3 in the first half. Now I understand that at least a couple of those scores were the fault of Grossman, for handing the Cardinals the ball in or near the red zone. But did anyone watch the first drive of the game? Matt Leinart, a rookie QB, sliced through the Bears defense like it was butter on a hot day, and he did this while missing one of his big wide receivers. You don’t think every offensive coordinator in the league is going to do the same? I can imagine Bill Belichick salivating right now. He has Tom Brady to use against the Bears. And while Tom Brady is still one of the most overrated QBs in history, he is also really really really good. He is particularly good at efficiently marching down the field with spread formations and short passes, which is exactly what Leinart did.

I’m not saying the Bears defense won’t adjust—only that it had better adjust. Games like this can go either way. The Bears discover their weaknesses yet pull out a win and fix them for next game... Or the defense is irreparably damaged. Most likely it will be the former.

But it was the Cardinals...

FOX Pregame Failure: The FOX NFL pre-game show is having ratings problems.

I WONDER WHY!

When will FOX learn that nobody likes Joe Buck? We all think he is the Oakland Raiders of commentary. He is awful. Why do they not only keep him on, but stick his ugly mug wherever they can? The guy is funny on his commercials, and I think he is a decent man... but even his commercials give him away as a fraud. No one would ever want to touch his vocal chords! People can’t stand him. No wonder your freaking ratings are down, FOX. (And no, bringing Jillian back won’t save you)

Speaking of Which: FOX did not bring Jillian Barberie back for their pre-game “weather report” this year. In essence, they said “we don’t want you, go away, your fake weather reports where all you did was show off your mid section are no longer required”. And now they are bringing her back... and she is just okay with it? Is she that desperate? What does she say to all the people who, you know, fired her? “Hey guys, I’m just glad to get this opportunity which is only coming my way because your ratings stink and you are going to appeal to immature male hormones everywhere”?

This is like the awkward conversations where a guy asks an engaged woman to marry him—in front of her family and fiancé. It only happens in movies, because after all, it is just stupid, right? No one would put up with that crap, right? Well apparently, they would. Jillian’s “weather reports” are back...

So Strange: The Atlanta Falcons let Tiki Barber run through them, around them, over them, under them, and everywhere else he wanted to run on Sunday. This is interesting, considering the Falcons were ranked 2nd in the NFL in rush defense. It once again poses the oddest question in sports. How does stuff like this happen? What I mean is this. How does Roger Federer win a set 6-0, and then lose the next set 6-7? How do the Giants get down 24-7, and then come back to win? How does a team destroy the Seahawks one week, and almost lose to the Cardinals two weeks later? How does a pitcher throw 3 no-hit innings, get beat up for five in the 4th inning, and then pitch three more no-hit innings? I understand that the sheer randomness of sports necessitates some fluctuation, but I am awed by the fact that these types of things happen. I suppose I can even understand the Bears, because from week to week, strange things happen. But on the same day? How does a pitcher or a tennis player go up and down so much on a single day? It is crazy. I suppose we are so used to it that it is simply intuitive. That doesn’t mean it makes any sense.

Favorite Quotes of the Week: Tim McCarver, commentating the seventh game of the NLCS last night, had this to say, in the eighth inning, after it had been raining almost the entire game.

"Keep in mind, it has been raining. This might make the infield very wet on ground balls."

Yes. Joe Buck and this clown are the top commentating crew FOX has for baseball. Bill O'Reilly would be more intriguing than this.

My other favorite quote of the week is by Liam Neeson, and it does not regard sports in any way. But it is so fantastic I must share it. Apparently, a while back he referred to the people of Los Angeles, San Diego, or California (I can't remember which one specifically, but it is all the same anyway), like this:

"They are a fascist people, who think they are moral because they jog."

Oh funny times.