A Plea for Guidance

April 6th. It isn’t D-Day or Pearl Harbor or a Moon landing or heck even Alan B. Shepherd Junior’s May 5th. But it retains some degree of importance. It is the Yankees’ 2009 opening day. April 6th sounds shockingly late to the Sports Maunderer, given that the previous few years have seen late March starts. But then, last Year saw Easter before a single flower had bloomed so I’m convinced that Spring just doesn’t know what to do with itself.

Of more importance than this date, though (at least for those daring to venture into the bowels of this blog yet again—and, by the way, I’m fairly certain that “bowels” are the only body part this blog seems to possess…), is another date: April 12th. Why April 12th? According to Wikipedia, this is why:

“Easter is determined on the basis of lunisolar cycles. The lunar year consists of 30-day and 29-day lunar months, generally alternating, with an embolismic month added periodically to bring the lunar cycle into line with the solar cycle. In each solar year (January 1 to December 31), the lunar month beginning with an ecclesiastical new moon falling in the 29-day period from March 8 to April 5 inclusive is designated as the Paschal lunar month for that year. Easter is the 3rd Sunday in the Paschal lunar month, or, in other words, the Sunday after the Paschal lunar month's 14th day. The 14th of the Paschal lunar month is designated by convention as the Paschal full moon, although the 14th of the lunar month may differ from the date of the astronomical full moon by up to two days.[36] Since the ecclesiastical new moon falls on a date from March 8 to April 5 inclusive, the Paschal full moon (the 14th of that lunar month) must fall on a date from March 21 to April 18 inclusive.”

Now besides those five minutes of your life you will not get back, something else about that paragraph is important. It demands that Easter be placed on the 12th of April. It is not yet the 12th of April. The Sports Maunderer gave up sarcasm for Lent. Lent ends on—well, okay, it doesn’t technically end on Easter, it ends on Holy Thursday but the point is, we are not there yet which means that the Yankees’ baseball season will be starting prior to the Sports Maunderer’s gaining his sarcasm back. Think long and hard about this if you dare. If you do not dare, I will share my thoughts on the subject with you.

Crapdangit.

I suppose that was only really one thought.

Anyway, the Sports Maunderer is quite unsure if he can succeed here. Taking away sarcasm is tantamount to taking away gratuitous, sesquipedalian words or demanding that prolix, loquacious, magniloquent (and might I add redundant) verbiage be ceased.

Is it doable? Probably not. Odds are that I have edited this page several times already, attempting to excise all sarcastic quips, and yet still failed to avoid sarcasm.

Of course this is all made somewhat more difficult by the nebulous notion of sarcasm. What is it exactly? Is it an ironic, inverted comment or is it an acerbic, inverted comment or both or anything quick and witty or what? Is good natured sarcasm still sarcasm? Is self-deprecating sarcasm still sarcasm? I don’t know. This is probably why the Sports Maunderer has been failing so spectacularly with this particular Lenten fast (if my tone appears flippant, I am misleading you. This bothers the Sports Maunderer greatly. It is the first time he has ever failed in a Lenten fast. Ever. He shall now cry for an extended period of time. He has done so. He has returned.)

Regardless, it makes for an interesting little tension between writing well and writing without being sarcastic. This is nearly impossible in any format, but the impossibility is trebled (oooh, I love that entirely inutile lexeme) when it is the freaking SPORTS MAUNDERER. Can it be done? Should he even attempt it? Let him know in the comments and let him know soon, because almost a whole WEEK of baseball will go by before the fast is up. If you are having trouble, think about the fact that I might have to both mention A-Rod and avoid sarcasm in the same sentence. I really don't know...