09/21/06 rant

Congratulations to the Super Bowl Winning Bears!

I will now follow in the grand tradition of every ports columnist and self proclaimed pundit ever to put pen to paper, finger to keyboard, voice to radio, or silly re-creations of plays to a fake mini-field. I will completely overreact to the first two weeks of the NFL season, and let you, the avid reader, know exactly what will happen over the next five months of Professional Football. Here is my team by team analysis, complete with a ton of “obviously”s and “clearly”s, just to show how right I obviously must be.

AFC:

Buffalo: This team seems to play with sheer heart, but it when it comes to sheer talent, they have very little. How many players on the Bills can you name besides Willis McGahee? And you only know his name because his agent is Drew Rosenhaus. Eventually, talent wins in the NFL, and the Bills don’t have any. But since they are 1-1, obviously they end the season at 8-8. Sure, their defense looked good against Miami, but...

Miami: That hardly counts. I am currently portraying Mr. Overreaction but I would have said this exact same thing before the season started. Miami is hopeless. Why? They have Daunte Culpepper as their QB. He stinks. As is always the case with him, his stat lines do not even begin to show his awful performances. He throws short passes into the ground, long passes into the moon, medium passes into defender’s arms, and sometimes he fumbles the ball before he ever gets a chance to make a pass. The guy is awful. He might, eventually, learn how to play without Randy Moss, and if that happens, perhaps Miami will finish the season slightly better than they started it, but by then it will be far too late. Thanks to a decent defense and a weak division, the Dolphins might scratch out six or seven wins, but that is it.

New England: Tom Brady looks pathetic, their receivers look... well I’d tell you, but they don’t have any receivers left after trading Deion Branch—though, trading him for a 1st round pick was a steal, to be sure. Their defense looks mediocre, their offense looks mediocre, but somehow, they are 2-0. Thanks to a crappy division, they win easily, and once the patriots get into the play-offs, who knows what the inventor of football, Bill Belichickickickick, can accomplish.

New Jersey, err, New York: Chad Pennington looks fantastic. We can now forget we ever questioned his arm strength, as evidenced by that hail mary, err... twenty yard pass to end the game this week. The rest of the team looks bad. Bad Bad Bad. This team is going nowhere, obviously.

Baltimore: Here is your AFC Champion. Clearly, no team will ever score on them, and their offense will average 26 points a game. Their competition (Tampa Bay, Oakland) has nothing to do with it. I mean, it isn’t like those teams combined to score 3 points against non-Raven teams or anything...

Cincinnati: Another great defense. Clearly, giving up only seventeen points to the Browns makes them among the league’s best defensive units. After all, the Browns are... sort of a pro team. Beyond that, Cincy has Carson Palmer, the best QB in the league. Peyton Manning you say? Well Carson Palmer has a great weapon in Chad Johnson, but stick Carson Palmer on Indy and that team scores 100 points a game. Carson has a bigger and more accurate arm than Peyton. And he doesn’t do all those annoying hand signals at the line.

Cleveland: They stink. Clearly there is no point in discussing them.

Pittsburgh: Obviously Charlie Batch is their quarterback of the future. He showed great promise in that 3 TD win, and this Roethlisberger guy? He is clearly no good. Time to give up on him. They can’t score against any team not named Miami, and that does not count, so Pittsburgh is obviously going nowhere.

Houston: This team will be cursed forever. Their brilliant idea to draft a mediocre, ubiquitous defensive end with the first pick in the draft has resulted in them giving up 43 points to the Colts. I’m sure Peyton Manning felt Mario Williams breathing down his neck all day. Houston is going nowhere.

Indianapolis: Peyton Manning is the best QB in the league. Carson Palmer may have a bigger arm but can you argue with 400 yards and the best offense in the league? Peyton may run like a duck and flaps his hands like one at the line, but no one throws a spiral like he does. Obviously scoring 43 points against the great Texans makes Indy the favorite to win everything, and they would—except Peyton will once again choke in the playoffs. When he plays Baltimore.

Jacksonville: This team is fantastic. Who cares if they don’t have any receivers faster than I am—they have Josh Scobee. If Josh Scobee kicks three field goals in a game and they win, against the... *cough* *wheeze* defending champions (yes, it is still painful to refer to the Steelers as “champions”), they must be good. Their offense obviously can’t score, but who needs to? They coast into the playoffs only to be debunked by Peyton Manning, who lights up their D for a big game, sending all the pundits into yet another pro-Peyton frenzy, until he blows it against Baltimore.

Tennessee: Everyone says it is amazing that Kerry Collins was sitting on his farm without a job one week, and starting at QB the next. Well, sure, it is amazing that Titans’ management has fallen so low as to do something so STUPID. But it really isn’t amazing from Kerry Collin’s perspective. I just don’t think it is that hard to go 6-19 while throwing 2 INTs. I dunno. I have never played football but it intuitively seems like playing horribly would be pretty easy to do after sitting on your farm, unemployed, a week earlier. The Titans will eventually start playing Vince Young, and this season will be wasted.

Denver: Jake Plummer is obviously a horrible QB. He should be benched. I mean, he has gotten to play TWO WHOLE GAMES. Obviously you can judge the effectiveness of a QB based on that (See: Peyton Manning). The rest of this team is mediocre. They will win a few games just because they get to play KC and Oakland. But 8-8 is really all they can hope for—with a rookie QB.

Kansas City: Herman Edwards can’t coach. When will people learn this? His team stinks. They have no offensive line, no QB, no receivers... and their offense is supposed to be their strength. KC is a classic example of a team being good on one side of the ball for so long that they take it for granted. For the last three seasons, they have completely neglected their offense in attempts to strengthen their woeful defense. After all, leave the offense alone, they are doing okay. But now that their offense clearly is no good, the defense they attempted to fix for so long is having to live up to its money, and it isn’t. Period. This team is going nowhere.

Oakland: This is officially the worst team to ever play the game. Ohio State would beat this team. Mario Williams could get by this offensive line. Herm Edwards would be a better coach than they have. Kerry Collins—fresh off the farm—would be a better QB than what they have. The Kansas City defense would be better than what they have. This team has Randy Moss, and then nothing. Even Randy is wasted, with no QB to throw him the ball. Art Shell has to be the worst coach ever. This team goes winless. I mean is there any arguing that point?

San Diego: This team wins the division in a landslide because they have the greatest offense ever, scoring amazing amounts of points against two stout defenses—Tennessee and Oakland. They also obviously have a great defense since they only gave up a total of seven points to those two scary offenses. But leaving the sarcasm behind for a moment, LT is amazing. People keep claiming we haven’t seen a player of Reggie Bush’s caliber for forty years. Umm, hello? Have you watched a San Diego game recently?

NFC:

Philadelphia: This team was picked by everyone as the division loser. Well, Philly showed all of their critics by... beating Houston. Then they blew a 17 point 4th quarter lead. They also blew their season. McNabb will have another good statistical year, while his team goes something like 7-9, never really recovering from that Giant blow.

Dallas: That brilliant offense has been on display with grand showings of... 17 and 27? Isn’t the T.O./Terry Glenn/Marion Barber offense supposed to be better than that? Oh wait... DREW BLEDSOE is their QB! No wonder they have showed little explosive potential. Oh well, Tony Romo (who?) is waiting in the wings, to take over for this 8-8 team.

New Jersey, err... New York: Eli is now the greatest QB ever because he took his team from 17 down in the fourth quarter. Never mind that he LET them get down by 17 in the fourth quarter. A bunch of “experts” have been saying how they would rather have a QB who was great in the 4th than in the first three. Uhhh.... Uhhh... Can you people do math? 3>1. I love a QB who excels in the 4th, but if he played that well in the first three quarters instead of the last one, the Giants would have won 51-24. Despite this, no one else in this division seems to want to win, so based on talent alone, the Giants are the winner.

Washington: The moment Tom Cruise entered their stadium, the season was over. I feel bad for Clinton Portis, Mark Brunell, Sean Taylor, Joe Gibbs, and their 700 page playbook. It isn’t their fault. NO ONE can overcome Cruise’s bad karma right now. (Washington might have even had a shot had Tom Cruise ONCE let go of Katie’s—I mean, Kate’s—hand, but did he do that? No.) The football gods are insulted that Cruise was even allowed in the building. Washington won’t win at all this year.

Carolina: A trendy Super Bowl pick before the teams had shown whether they can play or not, the Panthers suddenly do not look so hot. Steve Smith’s hamstrings better get better or this team will be no better than Pittsburgh. By the way, you know the SI cover jinx? Maybe it extends to their predictions, also. They predicted that the super Bowl would be Carolina versus Miami. Yes, they picked Miami. No, I don’t understand how people who claim to know sports for a living got away with that.

Atlanta: Michael Vick is now what everyone expected him to be! The Greatest QB of all time! He can run, he can pass, he can—well, okay, so he still can’t pass. But since the Falcons haven’t even hit their stride running the football yet (only a paltry average of 275 yards a game so far), you can expect only great things from Atlanta. They are probably the only team in football that could win without throwing the football once. (Sorta like Navy, in college. Navy averages 13.5 pass yards. Per game.) Unfortunately for the Falcons, the Bears will get in their way to a Super Bowl run...

Tamp Bay: This team falls in the same classic category as Kansas City, but opposite. They forgot about their vaunted defense, it is now in shambles, and the offense hasn’t been able to pick anyone up. They have been outscored 43-3 in their first two games. At this rate they will score 24 points all season, which means they are going nowhere.

New Orleans: This team has impressed the ESPN analysts by being 2-0. Other than that, they have impressed nobody, beating awful, awful, awful teams in ugly, nail biting fashion. Yet they are still 2-0. And since wins are everything, you can expect tons from NO this year!

Minnesota: Same situation exactly as the New Orleans Saints. Minnesota has beaten two crappy 0-2 teams, hence they must be great. Jump on their bandwagon before there is no room!

Detroit: This team is the worst sports franchise of the 21st century. They are AWFUL, and apparently the awfulness will continue. They stink worse than feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon.

Green Bay: Brett Favre threw an interception this week. Yes, just one! And everyone is happy about it. The guy is just not on a good team. They stink worse than something that stinks worse than feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon.

Chicago: Clearly the super Bowl winners. Everyone knew they had a suffocating defense, but now they have a powerful offense. And no, you should not be worried about Rex Grossman getting injured. No, he has not missed the majority of the last three seasons with injuries! No, he does not have to show consistency over a full season! You saw him throw 4 TD passes. Obviously he is for real and obviously he is un-injurable. Who cares if that isn’t a word, the Bears will never lose this year, since they are on pace to win 16 games, and then win the Super Bowl. Stand aside, Don Shula. The Bears are about to take your record from you.

St. Louis: This team lost to San Francisco. Obviously, that means doom upon them, and their children, and their children’s children. Last year, Tampa Bay lost to San Francisco, and look what has happened to them. A playoff loss thanks to a bad call by officials, and now a lost season. Well, since St. Louis lost so early this season to San Fran, they don’t even get to wait until next year to feel the full effects of losing to such a horrendous team. I mean, San Francisco doesn’t smell like feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon. They are feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon.

San Francisco: Obviously the 49ers must be good because they have won a game. Yes, Virginia, the 49ers won a game. They are at .500, and we are two whole weeks into the season. They are 1-1. Extrapolate, people. This team is going 8-8. What a year for them.

Arizona: They beat the 49ers... which means they have dignity. They lost to the Seahawks, which means dignity does not do much if you aren’t very good. Sure, the Seahawks went to the Super Bowl and only lost because Pittsburgh mugged the refs and ensconced their own spies as the zebra looking old guys with whistles, but Seattle is no great team so Arizona is obviously not either.

Seattle: They are probably still having nightmares of Zebras stealing games from them. Thanks to that, they lose a lot of games they aren’t expected to, but thanks to a cupcake schedule (they play in the NFC West, people) they will get into the playoffs.


Soccer news: Huh? Did someone say soccer? Oh that’s right. This is a sports column. No soccer here.

Chess news: Kramnik and Topalov will play a standard match for the World Championship title from September 21st to October 13th, finally uniting the fractured and somewhat meaningless title of “champion” under one banner. No longer will there be four claiming the crown—it will be Topalov or Kramnik, plain and simple. I am rooting for Topalov; I do not remember much about him, but I remember he is more adventurous than Kramnik, who plays a lot like Karpov, the most boring chess player ever born. Kramnik is one of those d4 loving, semi-slav playing defenders who have ruined chess. Gone are the days of King’s gambits and wild sacrifices. Enter the era of boring positional calculation, and infinite supplies of long, drawn out end games where the outcome is dependant on one’s technical ability rather than creative genius. Anyone good at writing eulogies? Get one ready for chess. It won’t be long.

A-Rod: No column goes by these days without A-Rod being mentioned, so it is my duty as a sports writer (self employed as I may be) to mention him. Period. He has been mentioned. This column can continue.

Gridiron Yawn: Has anyone seen gridiron gang? I have not, in the strictest sense of the term. But I have, indeed, seen it. It has been called many things, but it is the same sports movie we have all seen a hundred times, with different actors and maybe a slightly different location. But I’ll bet anything that the juvenile delinquents are very difficult to control, get a ton of tough love from the Rock, come together as a team and triumph in the end. Right? Thought so. This is the same reason I never saw Glory Road, Coach Carter, Invincible, etc. etc. They are all the same.

A-Rod: It seems I have neglected one part of my duty in mentioning A-Rod. I don’t just have to mention him; it is also of paramount importance that I laud his gaudy numbers, while at the same time doing my absolute best to portray him as a selfish, me-first, choke in the clutch, egotistical, blue lipped, prancing pig. Here goes: A-Rod has better numbers than anyone ever, and will be regarded as the greatest collector of stats ever to live. As soon as living memory is extinguished, he will be remembered as the greatest player of all time. Until then, people who watched him play will remind us all that he is a selfish, me-first, choke in the clutch, egotistical, blue lipped, prancing pig