A Quick Mort Report

"Due to a quirk in the NFL schedule this year, the AFC West is playing the AFC East. And the NFC West is playing the NFC East. So far, it hasn't worked out well for the road teams. The visitors in the series are 3-11, losing by a combined 12.5 points. Interestingly, the only three road wins were by East Coast teams traveling west: the Panthers won in San Diego, and the Eagles and the Patriots won in San Francisco. No West Coast team has won on the east yet this season."

The number of things wrong with this statement form a recent ESPN article is large. Like, I'm not going to say a googol, but it wouldn't be much of a stretch. Do they even employ editors at ESPN? For one thing, it is not a "quirk" in the NFL schedule that the AFC West is playing the AFC East. It happens once every three years. Not only is it not a quirk, it is relatively common. Also, the visitors in the series did not lose by a "combined" 12.5 points, they lost by an average of 12.5 points. How do I know the writer meant to say average and not combined? Because they don't give out half points in the... (I'm looking at you Jaws!) NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

And don't get me started on Chris Mortenson. Every time this guy "reports" something, I either knew it three weeks ago or it involves a third string special teams player. I expect this report from Chris sometime in the near future:

"This just in out of New England: Tom Brady has a torn ACL. Now, among NFL insiders it is well known that the Patriots aren't doing as well this year as some had expected, and some believe Tom Brady's injury might have something to do with this. Scouts point to his 50 touchdown performance of a year ago as evidence that his loss might be detrimental to the team's overall performance. The Patriots are optimistic that he could return sometime before next season, and they really want him back because having injured players hurts your team's chance of success.

Other tidbits:A presidential election is currently underway in the United States. Some experts indicate that this election could be won by either John McCain or Barack Obama...

A little known conflict in the Middle East has gained some attention this year, as a few pundits are positing the notion that the U.S should not have invaded a relatively anonymous country called Iraq...

Apparently, Russia still exists, and has invaded a country recently. Some say the Russkies invaded Georgia, but insiders and experts and pundits and those-in-the-know say this might not be true, because Russia would never invade a state with so many peaches...

Apple launched an advertising campaign some industry experts predict could be succesful in reaching out to young, so call "hip" people. It has to do with a PC, a Mac, and two people who pretend to portray them...

Well that's all for the Mort Report this week, check in next week when we may or may not have information from insiders and experts on the possible outcome of Super Bowl XXV"

Now I have myself excited. If Mortenson ever DID 'report' real news instead of just sports news... I might wet myself out of anticipation. That would be amazing.