Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

My vastly vast and longish long explorative exploration down South has concluded, and my intent was to deliver a list of those notes and observations I made while there. This will have to wait, however, because we have Power Rankings to take care of. That’s right boys and girls. It is time for my quarterly NFL Power Rankings. Since we are now 3/4 of the way through the season and half the teams are irrelevant, I will consequently shrink the size of the list by twelve teams. If one can do basic arithmetic, one knows that we then start at the grand ol' number square root of twenty squared.


20. Miami: Coming in at 20 are those pesky Dolphins who refues to win early on and refuse to lose later on.

19. Pittsburgh: While others have stupidly held the Steelers in high esteem on their power rankings this year, they have always hovered around twenty for me, and we all see my awesome wisdom and my ability to place teams correctly. Pay no attention to the fact that I had the Giants 3rd at the halfway point.

18. Philadelphia: Uh... Uh... Uh... If you have any ideas on why Philly is still in the playoff hunt, contact the NFL's competition committee and propose a rule change. It is okay though; they will now collapse.

17. Jacksonville: They might be 7-5, but they have David Garrard as a QB. They are going nowhere.

16. Carolina: 6-6. .500.

15. Tennessee: Before you attack their being this high, ask yourself this question: do you want *your* team playing them anytime soon?

14. New Jersey Giants: They have lost four in a row and look absolutely awful. The only reason they are here is... uh... well, I am having trouble finding reasons for why they are here.

13. Atlanta: As awful as this team has played recently, they are... nah, they are still awful, but the sheer mediocrity of the NFC means that the team with Michael Vick on the roster gets the edge. Every once in a while he takes over a game--that is better than any of the other 6-6 teams can boast about their QBs.

12. New Jersey Jets: Had I told you the Jets would be this good, this year, before this year became "this" year, you would have likely thought I had my years out of whack. I did tell you that, though, so now you can start worshipping me, butchery of all things grammatical aside.

11. Kansas City: In almost every case, I will take an AFC team with a slightly worse record over an NFC team with a slightly better record. The only exception to this rule is a team coached by Herman Edwards.

10. Seattle: This team is not very good. But they don't have Herman Edwards as their "coach", so I'd take them over KC.

9. New Orleans: They are behind Denver only because the AFC is that much better than the NFC. By the way, how about Reggie Bush scoring 4 times and nearly scoring another time, despite the fact that he holds the football about as tightly as I hold burning hot lumps of coal?

8. Denver: They do not look very good. But they still have Champ Bailey.

7. Dallas: I don't think they are as good as Troy Aikman and Joe Buck would have us believe, but then... that would be true even if they had created the world, parted seas, and invented chocolate.

6. Cincinatti: Cincy might only be 7-5, but obviously I'd take a 7-5 AFC team over a 8-4 team any day of the week. And last time I checked, Herman Edwards does not coach this team.

5. Chicago: You don't want to play a team with defense this good, even if Rex Grossman has been throwing the ball like one of those fat slobs pulled out of the stands at halftime to try to win a house by throwing the ball in a cart ten feet away only to miss ten times. Or something like that.

4. New England: The AFC is once again proving itself far superior in every way, shape and form. The Patriots are once again proving that being boring doesn't mean you lose.

3. Baltimore: They aren't built for the regular season, yet they are stilling pwning the NFC North. Lame netspeak aside, they are simply very good.

2. Indianapolis: This is the regular season, so loss to the Titans aside, they still kick butt--only a matter of time until they get their own back end firmly booted, though. This isn't even one of the better Colts teams in recent history; they have very little chance of Super aspirations (but since Pittsburgh did it last year, I wouldn't count anyone out this anymore).

1. San Diego: I have long held LT is the best player in the NFL; this isn't exactly earth shattering, but... some people were declaring Larry Johnson (who is totally not worthy of initials, people) as the best RB around. Pfft.



Alright folks, now what you have been waiting for! It is the MORT REPORT RETORT!

Three week edition:

Shawne Merriman's suspension is finished. The Chargers are happy to have him back because he is a starter on their team.

The Panthers wish Jake Delhomme hadn't gotten injured because Chris Weinke is their backup QB.

The Giants have had a lot of injuries this year. You could argue that this has made it difficult for them.

Vince Young is a quarterback.

Reggie Bush scored four touchdowns the other day, and this has the Saints excited because they believe scoring touchdowns is important.

Tony Romo replaced Drew Bledsoe as the Cowboys quarterback.

Wait until next week when we hear that Priest Holmes might possibly have a chance of thinking about the possibility of playing next year!

One final note: We all know I have had quite a bit of fun with Rob Bironas, the Tennessee Titans' kicker. I now must applaud him for that ridiculous 60 yarder to beat the Colts. That was impressive. Last time I checked (not that I have ever actually checked this) Joe Nedney has never kicked a 60 yarder. So take that, you two time-torn ACL traitor!